Old and New Jokes

LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.

I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:

1) A certified medical excuse

2) A death in the students immediate family

A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.

After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define great he said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.

She called it Harrybutt.

She had a child and named in Crack.

She lost Crack and couldnt find him.

So she called the police and said, I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldnt find my crack!

What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?

Decafinated

Still hoping Im not the only one who finds verse humor funny:

In Stamford, at the edge of town, a giant statue stands:

An iron eagle sternly clasps the crag with crooked hands.

His pedestal is twenty feet, full thirty feet is he.

His head alone weighs many times as much as you or me.

All day, all night he keeps his watch and never stirs a feather.

His frowning brow glares straight ahead into the foulest weather.

They say this noble bird will spread his iron wings and fly

The day a virgin graduates from Stamford Senior High.

O, evil day when he shall rise above the peaceful town,

Endanger airplanes, frighten children, drop foul tonnage down!

So let not this accipiter desert his silent vigil,

But yield to me my darling, Stamfords finest, Susan Kitchell.

– Edward Allen

The other day I was sitting in the doctors office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didnt even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left.

About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, Doctor, what on earth happened in there?

The doctor replied, Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant.

Pregnant? A nun? Thats impossible!, said the nurse.

I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups.

Q.: Whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

A.: Crib death.

– Tiger Magazine (Princeton U. Humor Mag)