Old and New Jokes

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see whod get the most out of a dime. The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, I know you cant beat that for stretching a dime. The Ukrainian said, I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a poo in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like poo. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!

Two Yankees fans are on a train up to Boston to watch their team play the Red Sox. They start making fun of a couple of Red Sox supporters who only have one ticket between the two of them.

Just before the conductor appears both Red Sox fans go into the bathroom and lock the door behind them. When the conductor knocks on the door they slip the ticket under the door, the conductor clips it and slides it back under the door and off he goes.

On the return journey the Yankees fans decide to pull the same trick and purchase only one ticket for the two of them. They notice that yet again the two Red Sox supporters only have one ticket between them. The Yankees fans realize there is only one bathroom per carriage and quickly take the lead, locking themselves in first, leaving the Red Sox fans with nowhere to go.

A minute later the Red Sox fan without a ticket strolls over to the bathroom and knocks on the door.

If various operating systems were cars, what would they be?
Linux is the Fiat of operating systems, its fun when its not broken.
Eventually, though youll get fed up and get something better.
Windows NT is a 1964 Mercury Monteray, its big beyond big and a
real waste of our resources. It makes a lot of noise, though.
MS-DOS is a Tyco slot racer. Its a silly toy that takes you around and
around in circles.
MacOS is one of those talking cars. Some people think theyre neat.
The rest of us want to break them.
Emacs is a M1A1 Abrams tank. Ok, so Emacs isnt really an OS and an
Abrams isnt a car, but theyre both close and theyre both BIG.
AIX is a mail truck. When youre using it you keep wondering why
everything is this backwards!
OS/2 is one of those 3 cylinder Geo jobbies. People who use em brag about
how efficient they are. The rest of us think they should get real.
VMS is a Volkswagon Beetle. When you see em you turn, punch your friend
in the arm and laugh. The strange thing is, you still see them around!
AmigaDOS is a DeLorean. Sure its pretty slick and all, but theyre just
not made anymore.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Donalette!
Donalette who?
Donalette the bed bugs bite!

Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.

Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “Whats in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”

Grabación de la contestadora del Instituto de Salud Mental

Gracias por llamar al Instituto de Salud Mental, su más sana compañía en sus momentos de mayor locura:

· Si usted es obsesivo-compulsivo, presione repetidamente el número 1.

· Si usted es co-dependiente, pídale a alguien que presione el número 2 por usted.

· Si usted tiene múltiples personalidades, presione el 3, 4, 5, y 6.

· Si usted es paranoico, nosotros ya sabemos quién es usted, sabemos lo que hace, y sabemos lo que quiere. Espere en la línea mientras rastreamos su llamada.

· Si usted sufre de alucinaciones, presione el 7 y su llamada será transferida al departamento de Elefantes Rosados.

· Si usted es esquizofrénico, escuche cuidadosamente, y una pequeña voz le dirá cuál número presionar.

· Si usted es depresivo, no importa cual número marque. Nadie le va a contestar.

· Si usted sufre de amnesia, presione 8 y diga en voz alta su nombre, dirección, teléfonos, cédula, fecha de nacimiento, estado civil y el apellido de soltera de su madre.

· Si usted sufre de estrés post-traumático, presione lentamente la tecla # hasta que alguien se apiade de usted.

· Si usted sufre de indecisión, deje su mensaje luego de escuchar el tono, o antes del tono, o después del tono, o durante el tono. En todo caso, espere el tono.

· Si sufre de pérdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9.

· Si tiene la autoestima baja, por favor cuelgue. Todos nuestros operadores están ocupados atendiendo a personas más importantes que usted.

Its wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she look one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a deadfaint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here

Be content with what youve got, but be sure youve got plenty.