A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. Show the lady your finest mink! the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.
No problem! Ill write you a check!
Very good, sir. says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, How dare you show your face in here?! There wasnt a single penny in your checking account!!
I just had to come by, grinned the guy, to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!
Recently spotted in the student union cafeteria at UIUC:
Coffee cups that read, Say NO to drugs.
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbors kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. Hey boy, whatcha got there?
Roll of chicken wire.
What you gonna do with that?
Gonna catch some chickens.
You damn fool! You cant catch chickens with chicken wire! The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. Hey boy, whatcha got there?
Roll of duct tape.
What you gonna do with that?
Gonna catch me some ducks.
You damn fool! You cant catch ducks with duct tape!
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Hey boy, whatcha got there?
Its a pussy willow.
Wait up…Ill get my hat.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because theyre sending their turkey to the White House!
Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dont know, but I can look it up for you.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman.
After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him and says, Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?
The drunk replied, Yes maam, I have indeed shit myself.
The woman says, Well, why dont you go somewhere and clean yourself up?
The drunk says, Cos Im not finished yet…
El profesor de Ciencias Naturales decide hacer una prueba oral y llama a una alumna:
Existe una parte del cuerpo del hombre que se pueda dilatar hasta siete veces su tamaño. ¿Cuál es esa parte?
No puedo decirlo, profesor…, responde la alumna, roja de vergüenza.
Entonces por no responder, tiene cero. La respuesta correcta es las pupilas de los ojos. ¡A juzgar por su respuesta tiene usted mucha imaginación y seguramente no tardará en tener también una gran decepción!
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the wizard of OZ.
When they met Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill asked wheres Dorothy?