I get up each morning, gather my wits
Pick up the paper, and read the obits.
If Im not there, I know Im not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, Im able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.
— Pete Seeger —
Mother, dear, how long is that thing going to be tomorrow? I want to go shopping with Mitzi.
Daughter, dear, that thing is your fathers wake.
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. Dont ask me a lot of questions, he told the boy. Just do whatever I tell you to do. One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. Get the hammer over there, he said. When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard. Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
Un negro caminaba por la selva. En una rama se encontraba un mono y, cuando pasa el negro, éste le grita: ¡negro hijo de puta!
El negro se enoja con el mono y lo amenaza: vas a ver mono, ¡me la vas a pagar!
Al dÃa siguiente vuelve a pasar el negro, lo ve el mono y de nuevo le grita: ¡negro de mierda, eres un hijo de puta!
El negro enojado lo amenaza: ¡vas a ver mono, me la vas apagar!
Y asà siguió, hasta que un dÃa, el negro lo agarra, saca un hacha y le corta la cola.
Entonces el mono le suplica: ¡Mátame, mátame por favor! ¡Mátame! ¡Ay, mátame por favor! ¡Ay!
El negro asombrado le pregunta: oye mono, ¿por qué quieres que te mate?
Porque me van a gritar ¡negro hijo de puta!, le contesta el mono.
Una señora viaja en un taxi acompañada de su hija de cinco años. Al pasar por una esquina, la chiquilla ve a unas prostitutas y pregunta:
Oye, mamá, ¿quiénes son esas señoras?
Nerviosa, la mujer responde:
Son señoras que están esperando que sus maridos salgan de trabajar, hijita.
El taxista, que venÃa escuchando todo, se dirige a la madre:
¡Chingado, señora, dÃgale la verdad: son prostitutas!
Se hace un tenso silencio. En eso, la niña lanza otra pregunta:
Oye, mami, ¿y las prostitutas pueden tener hijos?
¡Pues claro! ¿De dónde crees que salen los pinches taxistas?
Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1
BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
– An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I dont have to repeat myself) – MINIMIZE BUTTON – SHUTDOWN FEATURE – SHOPPING FUNCTION – A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it wont fall asleep after sex
– A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION – DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users – A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once its uninstalled it wont come back – A MONOGAMY FEATURE – AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before theyre about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two bankers were fighting over a penny.
When in doubt, dont bother.
Late at night, a woman is woken from her sleep by a bat suddenly swooping into her room through a window.
She watches as the bat transforms itself into a vampire. She grips the pillow tightly, but is too afraid to speak.
The vampire slowly approaches, but as it almost reaches her, the woman suddenly remembers the cross on her night-stand.
She grabs it tightly, holding it out towards the vampire and, in a trembling voice,cries,
You cant come closer! I have a cross.
The vampire looks the woman in the eye and responds, Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen!
Why did they have to stop doing the wave at the Skydome in Toronto? Beacause a blonde drowned in it.