Old and New Jokes

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. 9.30 okay?

George said, Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? one of the foursome asked.


George said, Sure if I’m ten minutes late…

Another golfer jumped in. Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.

George said, Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.

What if she’s lying on her back?

George said, That’s when I’m ten minutes late!

Customer: How do i stand for a £30,000 loan

Bank Manager: You dont you grovel

If you have nothing to do, dont do it here.

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

I dont know, what?

Popeye beat the shit out of him!

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job. Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day, the foreman told her. The blonde woman didnt see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back sweating like a pig. Christ, how many trees did you cut down? asked the foreman. 6 she replied. What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tommorow. The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted. How many this time? asked the foreman. 12 she said. The foreman says, That does it. Im coming out there with you tommorow morning.The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, This is how to cut down trees really quickly. He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her whats wrong. She replies, Whats that noise?

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

A1: A golden retriever.

A2: A labrador.

A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Zailsingh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.

Rajiv: Zailsinghji How is your MBA preparation?

Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.

Rajiv: Logic is very easy.

Zailsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.

Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.

Zailsingh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.

Zail: How is your MBA preparation?

Buta: Everything is fine except for the logic.

Zail: Oh, logic is easy.

Buta: Please, give me an example.

Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house?

Buta: NO, I dont.

Zail: Saala HOMO!!!

The following are excerpts from actual letters received by the welfare department of an unnamed state. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on half a sheet of paper. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jackson has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay, I have six children. Can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with cant eat or do anything until he knows. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illegitimate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake, as you can see. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I havent had any relief since. Unless I get my husbands money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have changed my boy to a girl. Will this make any difference? I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesnt do me any good. If things dont improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

A writer dies and reaches the Golden Gates where God gives him a choice to either go to Heaven or Hell. He finds it difficult to make up his mind so he asks God if he can have a little tour of both places.

God agrees and they first go to Hell where the writer sees rows and rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated room, being whipped if they stopped writing for a second by merciless editors and publishers. This really frightens the writer who then proceeds to Heaven hoping itll be better.

In Heaven too he sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in an over heated room, being whipped mercilessly.

So he turns to God and says, But theyre both the same!

To which God replies, Oh no. Here in Heaven your work gets published!