Old and New Jokes

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didnt have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

Thats a lovely car, said the mechanic. What seems to be the matter? Well, it just conked out Im afraid.

Let me have look. He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

Thank goodness, she said. What was the matter? Simple really, just crap in the carburetor, he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, Oh, OK… How many times a week do I have to do that?

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to start it.

Her friend asks What is it a puzzle of?

The blonde says From the picture on the box, its a tiger.

The blondes friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: First, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, Id advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellogs Frosted Flakes back in the box.

God hadnt created the chicken yet.

THE FRANKLIN FACTOR: Early to bed and early to rise means its time to
meet more guys.

THE RAT RACE: If theres one rat in a room full of nice men, hell hit
on you first.

THE EYEGLASS PRESCRIPTION: Dont wear your glasses on a blind date.
Youll look better, and he will too.

THE RING RULE: A watched telephone never rings.

THE CREEP CALL: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. Its a call
from a creep you told you were busy.

THE FISHING FORECAST: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea.
But who wants to go out with a fish?

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGNOSIS: Love is a form of temporary insanity
curable only by marriage.

THE ROPE TRICK: Give a man enough rope and hell lasso another woman.

MIND OVER MATTER: No one ever falls in love with another persons mind
at a cocktail party.

THE FAULT FINDER: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to
move in with your lover.

THE UNINTENDED RESULT: 1) Mens desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy.

2) Womens desire for intimacy often results in sex.

THE RABBIT RULE: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

THE DANGLE DOCTRINE: You cant keep a good man down.

TWAINS TRUTH: Familiarity breeds children.

THE FERTILITY FACTOR: Women are only fertile a few days each
month…unless theyre single.

THE PREPARATION PREDICAMENT: The longer you spend in the bathroom
preparing for sex, the more likely hes fallen asleep by the time
youre ready.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces:

Im lookin for the man who shot my paw.

The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…

Beautiful, just fuckin BEATUIFUL!

Theres this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT!. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says OK for you and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the mans outstretched arm and says,Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. The man is astonished. He cant understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: Its a big building with a lot of doctors, but thats not important now!

Several short geology plays on words

Okay, if you are a real geologist, you probably enjoy transferring geology vocabulary into everyday situations. For example, if you agree with what someone has said, you may say, You breccia! or My sediments exactly!

And if you are not pleased with the persons statement, you may resort to the old:

Thats not gneiss!

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, bankers dont change light bulbs.