Old and New Jokes

The Nutquacker!

The other day I saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is… and I didnt notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadnt honked, Id never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach…I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, Ive never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing…why even HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

A: To cover up the valve stem.

Put four large marshmallows in a plastic bag and, on a plain sheet of white paper, draw a snowman. Underneath, write Frosty told me you were bad this year so all you get is snowman poop!

Fold the paper twice and, with a paper clip, attach it to the top of the plastic bag. Give it as a present to any of your favorite persons.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It cant be done. They only know how to twist things to the right.

Your mamas teeth are so messed up….i thought her tongue was in jail!

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. Ill never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives.



His wife replies, Why thank you, dear!

You might be a Republican if…..1. Youre a pro-lifer but support the death penalty.2. Youve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.3. Youve ever uttered the phrase Why dont we just
bomb the sons of bitches?4. Youve ever called a secretary or waitress Honey.5. You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but
you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.6. You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because
you accuse Bert and Ernie of sexual deviance.7. You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit.8. You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.9. Youve argued that art has a moral foundation set in Western values.10. You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.11. You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear
ever attacks your home.12. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.13. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of
the end of racism in America.14. Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.15. Youve ever referred to Anita Hill as that lying
bitch while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.16. Youve ever called education a luxury.17. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.18. You own a vehicle with an Ollie North: American
Hero sticker.19. Youre afraid of the liberal media.20. You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well,
tradition dictates …21. Youve ever called the National Endowment for the
Arts a bunch of pornographers.22. You think all artists are gay.23. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.
You might be a Democrat if…..Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must

A friend of mine had no life insurance, but he did have plenty of fire insurance. His widow, practical woman that she was, had him cremated.

Yet another friend was just the opposite. He almost busted the family budget with his many life insurance policies. In fact, every time he left the house, his wife would stand in the door, wave, and say, Take chances!

My insurance company reduced my rates again for not having any vehicle accidents. As my agent presented the award, he wanted to know the secret of driving for so many years accident free. I told him, Easy, I read a long time ago that 4 out of every 10 accidents are alcohol related. I always drink before I drive to have the odds in my favor.

Damn fool wanted to cancel my policy on the spot.

One of the benefits allowed Maryland State Highway employees when they retire is group life insurance.

I signed up for the maximum. Now, if I die in a group, Mrs JimJr will be one rich lil lady.

When one of the neighbors boys got married, I told him it was time to start thinking about some life insurance.

He said, Nah, Mr. Jim. I dont think Bonnies that dangerous.

In retrospect, I guess I should have gone with the Allstate Insurance Company. All of their TV commercials show them giving people a hand. All my insurance company has ever given me was the finger.

What is Socialism?

The Poles say its the longest and most painful
of the roads to capitalism.

[quoted by Michael Novak in Forbes]