23
Mar

Preschoolers learn meat

A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.

Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint what does your mommy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night she asked?

All of a sudden little Joey jumped up from the back of the classroom and yelled Jesus Christ! Spit it out, its Asshole!

23
Mar

The mind of a six year old

First Grade … true story

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, … And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?

The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?

One little boy raised his hand and said, I think he said Holy Shit! A talking pig!

The teacher was unable to speak for the next 10 minutes.

23
Mar

Who Enjoys Sex More?

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.

Why do you think were so obsessed with getting laid?

That doesnt prove anything, the woman countered. Think about this – When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

23
Mar

If Men Had PMS

If men had PMS, what would happen?

a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.

b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent

disability.

c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.

d) All of the above.

23
Mar

When youre drunk

Things That Are Hard To Say When Youre Drunk

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

 

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Things that are VERY difficult to say when youre drunk…

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

 

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Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when youre drunk…

a) Thanks, but I dont want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but youre not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isnt it lovely out tonight?

f) Im not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldnt – no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. Id hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

23
Mar

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms.

As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. So did you follow him? ask the chemist. I did, replied the assistant. And…where did he go? Over to your house.

23
Mar

Elderly Punjabi

An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital requested that he take lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him why.
Well, French is the language of heaven, he sighed. I want to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die.
But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to hell. What good will French do you then? asked the doctor.
That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi.

22
Mar

Q: How many programmers

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Its hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.

22
Mar

Daily Bread

A guy from Tyson Foods arranged a visit with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispered, Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.

The Pope responds saying, That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Well, says the Tyson man, We are prepared to donate one billion dollars to the Church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken…

Again the Pope replies That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Finally, the Tyson guy says, This is our last offer. We will donate five billion dollars to the church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

The good news is that the Church has just received a donation of five billion dollars.

The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!

22
Mar

Durante un vuelo a Nueva

Durante un vuelo a Nueva York iba un señor de aspecto muy distinguido sentado junto a una dama que lucía muy profesional. Este hombre era de aquellos, a los que les resultaba imposible estar a la par de alguien sin entablar conversación de forma que la inició mas o menos como a continuación les relato:

Hola… ¿viaja usted a Nueva York?

Sí señor -dijo ella- sin mostrar interés alguno por continuar la charla.

¡Qué interesante! -exclamó él en tono muy grave – y sin darse por vencido prosiguió ¿va de vacaciones?

No señor voy en vías de trabajo.

¡Que interesante!… ¿y usted a que se dedica?

Como a todos nos pasa, sintió el agrado de poder elevar el ego, -soy Psicóloga, poseo un master en Sexualidad Humana -dijo simulando indiferencia.

¡Qué interesante! -replicó él – supongo que en Nueva York tiene su oficina de trabajo.

No, me dirijo para allá dado que esta semana se celebra el Congreso Mundial de Sexología y yo soy una de las expositoras.

¡Qué interesante! – volvió a decir mientras su entusiasmo iba claramente en aumento – ¿puedo saber de que trata su cátedra?

Desde luego – afirmó ella interesada ya en la plática – voy a dictar una conferencia magistral sobre el tamaño del pene de los hombres, presentaré una evaluación retrospectiva preliminar de los diferentes grupos étnicos, he dedicado mi vida a esta investigación.

¡Qué interesante! – contestó el hombre subiendo el tono y agravando la voz delatando su entusiasmo – y cuénteme… ¿qué ha podido determinar usted?

Pues le diré, contrario a lo que usted está pensando en este momento no son los hombres de raza negra los que tienen el pene mas largo.

¡Qué interesante!… y entonces ¿quiénes son?

Son los Apaches señor, pero no son ellos los que lo tienen mas grueso.

¡Qué interesante!… Supongo que ahí si entran los negros.

No señor, los Judíos, son ellos quienes lo tienen mas grueso.

En este momento el avión ya había llegado a la manga de la terminal aérea, lo que hacía necesario concluir tan científica tertulia, por lo que ella concluyó diciendo:

Que gran gusto fue para mi conocerlo soy la Dra. Pria Po, me gustaría invitarle a escuchar mi conferencia ¿con quién tuve el gusto?

Doctora Po, el gusto ha sido mío, ¡mi nombre es Toro Sentado Rosemberg!