A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?
A girl raised her hand and asked, To draw out all his savings?
1. Youd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
A young man and an old man were playing a round of golf. When they got to the 18th hole, which was along a road, a funeral procession was driving by. The old man removed his cap and bowed his head until the funeral procession drove by.
That was very nice of you to be so respectful to that funeral procession, remarked the young man.
The old man replied, That is the least I could do. I was married to that woman for 45 years.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A punk, in full regalia (leather, chains, rings on every bodily protrusion, multicolored spiked hair … the works), happened to note an old man watching him intently from a park bench.
The punk sauntered up to the oldster and, with a sneer curling his purple-colored lips, demanded to know what the old man was looking at.
You, replied the senior citizen.
Whatsamatter, dont you like what you see? demanded the punk.
Never taking his gaze from the punk, the old man said: About twenty years ago I had intercourse with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my son.
No eye deer
Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates cant even spell lightbulbe, eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidates families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, Is this some kind of joke?
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. There might be some matches in the top drawer, she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. Is this your husband? he inquired nervously.
No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend then? he asked.
No, not at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.
Well, who is he then? demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, Thats me before the operation.
Un señor va a donde un sacerdote para confesarse y le dice: Padre,deseo confesarme con usted. Me siento muy mal porque le tengo fobia a las mujeres,y cada vez que veo una,la agarro a golpes.
El sacerdote le dice: Bueno, hijo mÃo, lo importante es que estés arrepentido. Yo no te voy a hacer rezar padres nuestros, sólo debes hacer lo siguiente: apenas salgas a la calle, le das 50 dólares a la primera mujer que veas y de esa forma serás perdonado.
El señor sale a la calle y en una esquina ve a una mujer, se le acerca y le entrega 50 dólares. La mujer pone cara de sorprendida y le dice: Oiga señor, que se ha creÃdo, son 100 dólares.
¡Pero el sacerdote me dijo que le diera 50 dólares!
¡Es que debe usted saber que el sacerdote es cliente antiguo!