Old and New Jokes

1. The company stock suddenly is worth something, then trading is halted before you can cash in.
2. Your management has just emphatically denied that any merger is currently being contemplated.
3. Your paycheck comes with the competitors logo.
4. The guy you used to yell at during trade shows is introduced as your new boss.
5. The address on your new business cards does not correspond to the location of the office you go to every day.
6. I work for the government, so merging with a competitor would probably mean storm troopers marching through the streets.
7. The customer service folks are told to stop telling customers that company X will cheat them on service contracts. Now theyre our service.
8. The owners daughter sends you an invitation to her wedding with the competitors son.
9. The product which your salespeople described not a long time ago as being a dangerous health hazard is now one of the leading products in your sales literature.
10. I got a very big raise. This makes me very paranoid. Two weeks ago, we had no money and way too much work to do. Last week, I am offered huge raise effective next month. I smell a data merge coming on.
11. Our URL links to their web site.
12. 401k rollover papers on your desk Monday morning.
13. When someone quits to go work for a competitor, the company doesnt immediately escort him out of the building.
14. The resume I sent to our top competitor showed up at my present employer.
15. You hear about it on the morning news!

Dilbert © 1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

Headline in todays newspaper:

Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake!

Why do black men not go square dancing?

Every time some one yells hoe down, they turn to see if their sister got shot!

Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while youre actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesnt get more accurate than that.

Why does a woman close her eyes when shes having sex?

Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

Men always miss them.

On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy – who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the mother said, No, no, talk Yiddish! An inpatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew? Replied the mother, I dont want him to forget hes a Jew.

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.) 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain? 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANERS WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car. 11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesnt know it, there is a day care on the first floor. 12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesnt work.) 15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Take the test…NO CHEATING!

What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Got your guess ready yet? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? GET YOUR MIND OUR OF THE GUTTER! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? They shake hands!

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) – Senate Majority Leader Ray
Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order
Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers,
saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the
American economy of its vitality.
In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate, Noorda –
once a key figure in the information technology industry – claimed
American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading new
browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls that they no
longer have time to produce anything of value or to consume products. We
have been transformed from a nation of thinkers and doers to a nation of
downloaders worried about whether we are keeping up with the
technological Joneses, Noorda said.
Noordas comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407 of
its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM radio
from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta trial,
while versions 408-441 are in development. (Microsoft, which has been
criticized of late for slipping behind Netscape in the browser race,
vowed to deliver Version 405 of its Internet Explorer before the next
major religious holiday, though company spokesman Jim Manzi de-clined
to specify which religion the company was referring to.) Mark Gibbs,
author of IDG Books bestselling Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies, said
the continuing instability in the Internet market has virtually halted
development of new applications. How can you build to a platform that
only lasts 51 days? asked Gibbs. The only apps being developed now
are crossword puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets.
According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC user
now has 62 browsers installed. That has significantly limited the
usefulness of the desktop machine because each browser/operating
system/object bucket/API repository consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of
storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if the
touchscreen option is disabled). Intel Corp. recommends the use of at
least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers.
There is no capacity left to run any other application, said IDC Chief
Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. Our PCs, in essence, are simply
containers for browsers.
In the late 1990s, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing
information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less-
expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data housed
on Internet servers. But the dream of the so-called Internet device died
with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which cracked the
800M- byte storage requirement and supported some 250,000 ActiveX
Controls.
Its a shame, really, said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who was
a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time. We could have
been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun intended. But Bill
outmanuevered us again, added Big Larry Ellison, who now runs
the Used Cars R Us operation on the Auto Mile in Redwood City, Calif.
In response to Noordas call for federal intervention, the Justice
Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web site
(www.bookem.com). We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter
of whether development should continue on Web browsers and servers.
(This statement best viewed with Internet Explorer Version 396.)