Old and New Jokes

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

Where ya been?

he slurred.

I dont know, gushed the other guy, but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q; Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: Its called, Sosumi.

Q: Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
A: People couldnt decide which side to spit on.

Q: Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Why does a mans penis have a hole in it? So he can get oxygen to his brain.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. Just place this between your cheek and gum.
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, And what if I swallow it?
No problem, says the barber. Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: the Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each mans penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling* Oh, Patrick, says the Monsignor, I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.



The candidate leaves.



The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling*



Joseph, Joseph, sighs the Monsignor. You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.



The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally,exhausted, she quits.



Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you, says the Monsignor. Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.



*Ting-a-ling*

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out
of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ships loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within
minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the planes hold and hastily taken
off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a
now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves,
they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of
Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

You cant tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

There is absolutely no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.

Sometimes too much to drink isnt enough.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies acculumlate.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

If you think that there is good in everybody, you havent met everybody.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

This is as bad as it can get, but dont bet on it.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

The trouble with life is that youre half way through it before you realize that its a do-it-yourself thing.

Original Monologue by Larry Miller, an American comedian.

LEVEL 1:

Its 11:00 on a weeknight, youve had a few beers.

You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends.

Here at level one you think to yourself, Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), Im cool..

LEVEL 2:

Its midnight. Youve had a few more beers.

Youve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now youre thinking, Hey! Im out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) Im cool..

LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. Youve abandoned beer for tequila.

Youve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now youre thinking, Our waitress is the most beautiful woman Ive ever seen!

At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like, Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it … Tommy, you could cook.) But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger … and hes buying. And youre thinking Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep … and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), Im cool..

LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning.

The devil is bartending.

For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you dont like his face! And now youre thinking, Our busboy is the best looking man Ive ever seen.

You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an … after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, Well … as long as Im only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well … STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!! Yeah! Thatd be good for me. I dont mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, Ill turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow … cool.

LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning.

After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (But I dont even know anybody named Ruby!!!), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as … that morning.

Its the kind of place where even the devil is going, Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell – at nine. Ive got that brunch with Hitler, I cant miss that.

At this point, youre all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, Someday Im gonna marry that girl!!

One of your friends stands up and screams, WERE DRIVIN TO FLORIDA!!! – and passes out.

You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five – the sun. You werent expecting that were you? You never do.

You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say … Whos Ruby?

Lets be honest, if youre 19 and you stay up all night, its like a victory like youve beat the night, but if youre over 30, then that sun is like Gods flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live! And some of us have that little addition, and this time, I mean it!