That it didnt matter how late I scheduled my first class, Id sleep through it.
That I could change so much and barely realize it.
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
That college kids throw airplanes too.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you were smart in high school, so what?
That I would go to a party the night before a final.
That Chem Labs/ Architecture studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
That Home is a great place to visit, But I wouldnt want to live there.
That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.
The free food server until 10 is gone at 9:50.
That Sunday is a figment of the worlds imagination.
That Psychology is really Biology.
That biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math.
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
That its possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.
That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up – you look so excited!
The groom replies, I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up – you look so excited!
The bride replies, I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuuming.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you whats bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Neither notice when you get your hair cut.
8. Both like dominance games.
9. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
Un tipo contrata a una prostituta para que le enseñe qué es el 69. Se van al hotel y se ponen hacerlo, cuando inesperadamente se le escapa un pedo a la señora. El tipo se sorprende un poco y la mujer, para tranquilizarlo, le dice que eso es parte de la emoción.
Continúan, y a los 5 minutos se le vuelve a salir otro pedo. Entonces el tipo se para y le dice:
Los próximos 67 pedos se los vas tirar a tu madre.
Está el paciente contándole al psiquiatra sus problemas:
Doctor, tengo un problema: cada vez que voy acostarme creo que hay alguien debajo de la cama. Para combatir eso me acuesto debajo de la cama y entonces creo que hay alguien arriba. ¡Tiene que ayudarme o me voy a volver loco!
El especialista se queda pensativo y luego le contesta:
Póngase usted en mis manos por doce meses. Venga tres veces por semana a verme y yo curaré sus temores.
¿Cuánto cobra usted por sesión?, pregunta cauteloso el tipo.
$500 por visita.
Está bien, doc, lo voy a pensar y luego le resuelvo.
Seis meses más tarde el psiquiatra se encuentra al individuo en la calle y le pregunta:
¿Por qué no regresó a verme?
¿Por $500 la visita? Un cantinero me curó por tan sólo $50.
¡Ya! ¿Cómo le hizo?, pregunta escéptico el facultativo.
¡Me dijo que le cortara las cuatro patas a la cama!
Iba un caracol cruzando la calle y lo atropelló una tortuga; cuando despertó estaba en la sala de terapia intensiva, y el médico le pregunta:
¿Cómo ocurrió?
Y el caracol le responde:
No sé, ¡fue todo tan rápido!
Lorena Bobbit virus:
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virus:
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virus:
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus:
Wont let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus:
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virus:
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virus:
Only attacks minor files. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.
The woman on the other end of the phone said, My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I cant get them apart.
The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said Yes, but it didnt work.
He said, Did you try hitting them with a broom.
She said, Yes, but that didnt work either.
He then said, Well Maam heres what you do. Hang up. Ill call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.
She said, Do you really think that will work?
He said, Well it just did for me!
How ironic… this is the second time in history a Deep Throat has been
at the center of a presidential controversy.
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Spring 1996
*/
#include stdio.h
#include dos.h
#include conio.h
#include win31.h
#include evenmore.h
#include oldstuff.h
#include billrulz.h
/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99281-95
from: William H. Gates III
to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
William H. Gates III wrote:
I have serious doubts about the EASY
installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually
bought something _good_. Therefore I want the
installation-definition to be HARD.
Carry on,
Bill
*/
#define INSTALL = HARD
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{ display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{ make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if(still_not_crashed)
{ display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99683-95
from: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
to: William H. Gates III
Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
Dear Sir,
Since we have found that this last piece of code
within the if-statement will never execute, we
descided NOT to include it in the final code.
This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes
of consumer-diskspace!
Thank you for listening to us,
the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
*/
/* if(still_not_crashed) {
write_cheer();
finished();
}
*/ create_general_protection_fault();
}