Old and New Jokes

A writer dies and reaches the Golden Gates where God gives him a choice to either go to Heaven or Hell. He finds it difficult to make up his mind so he asks God if he can have a little tour of both places.

God agrees and they first go to Hell where the writer sees rows and rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated room, being whipped if they stopped writing for a second by merciless editors and publishers. This really frightens the writer who then proceeds to Heaven hoping itll be better.

In Heaven too he sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in an over heated room, being whipped mercilessly.

So he turns to God and says, But theyre both the same!

To which God replies, Oh no. Here in Heaven your work gets published!

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.Suddenly,
Heres not half the files there used to be,
And theres a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my datas gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic evangelist. He unburdened his soul to him, and he promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.

The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, Fetch.

Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, Drop and the dog drops the stick at his feet.

Roll over, and the dog rolls over. By this time the dogs owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.

Sure, replies the evangelist.

Heel, says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, I command this sickness to leave you…

I heard that people are getting laid off at IBM. I bet they open
their pay envelopes and find, This paycheck intentionally left
blank.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

Its easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, Ketchup!

Se encuentran dos amigos en la calle: Pero Juan… ¡te has hecho una mujer!

Pues sí, me dí cuenta que me sentía mujer y me operé.

Pero eso habrá sido doloroso.

Sí, claro… me tuvieron que poner implantes de silicona, me cortaron mis partes, me depilé todo el cuerpo… un horror. Pero lo peor de todo fue cuando me tuvieron que reducir el cerebro.

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that werent expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music… anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmys extended arm and said, Im sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, May I ask what the Chicken did?

Joke found on http://www.neojokes.com

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, This is where your problem is.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded:

One chalk mark . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1
Knowing where to put it . . . . . . . $49,999

Someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame.