15
May

Music history according to students

1. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

2. Refrain means dont do it. A refrain in music is the part you better

not try to sing.

3. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

4. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

5. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote

loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was

calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in

1827 and later died from this.

7. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

8. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is

unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

9. An opera is a song of bigly size.

10. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he

really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live

happily ever after.

11. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing

eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

12. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

13. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

14. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said

he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

15. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps onthe odium.

16. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

17. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

18. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields

and McCoys.

19. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

20. My favorite composer is Opus.

21. A harp is a nude piano.

22. A tuba is much larger than its name.

23. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

24. You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

25. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick

with the first name and learn it good.

26. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

27. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

28. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass

fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

29. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.

So would anybody.

30. Question: What are kettle drums called?

Answer: Kettle drums.

15
May

You asked for it!

Mrs. Sally is a very strict second grade teacher who doesn’t want the kids in her class to use baby words, so when Christmas break comes around she tells her students that she wants them to use big people words over the break. When they come back Mrs. Sally asks the students, “so does anyone have a story from break they want to share?”
Little Molly raises her hand and answers, “I went to my papa and nana’s house.”
Mrs. Sally gets upset and says, “Molly, we do not say papa and nana we say grandparents!”
Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Joe raises his hand and says, “I rode in a choo choo.”
Again Mrs. Sally gets frustrated and tells her students that you do not say choo choo you say train. Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Billy raises his hand.
“And what did you do over break Billy?” Asks Mrs. Sally
“Well me and my mom read Winnie the sh*t over break.”

15
May

Golf humor

Three guys get together every Saturday to go to the local Country Club to play golf. One Saturday morning, the pro approaches them and asks if they would mind if a new member could join in with them for the day. They agree to give it a try and the four go off to play golf.

The new guy plays left handed and has a great round. The group decides that they had such a good time that they invite the new guy to join in again the following week. The new guy says hed love to, but he might be a couple of minutes late. They tell him that thats no problem and they all go home.

The next week, the new guy is there right on time and this time plays right handed. Again they all have a great time and invite him for the following week. He again tells them that he would love to but might be a couple of minutes late.

This goes on for several weeks with the new guy golfing both right and left handed. Finally, one of the original threesome cant stand it anymore and asks him, How do you figure out whether you should golf right handed or left?.

The new guy replies, Thats easy. When I wake up in the morning, I look over at my wife. If she is laying on her right side, I golf right handed. If she is laying on her left side, I golf left handed.

Well what if she is laying on her back?

Oh, thats when Im a couple of minutes late.

15
May

A man dies and goes

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter and asks, What are those for?St Peter answers, Those are lie clocks. Everyone has one. Each time you lie, the hands on your clock move.Oh, says the man, Whose lie clock is that one?
Thats Mother Teresas, St Peter replies, The hands never moved because she never told a lie.Incredible, muses the man, Whose is that one?Abraham Lincolns, St Peter says, The hands only moved twice because he only told two lies in his entire life.Wow, so what about George W Bush and Tony Blairs clocks? The man asks.Theyre in Jesus office, Says St Peter, Hes using them as ceiling fans.

14
May

Knock Knock Whos there? Thurston! Thurston who? Thurston and

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thurston!
Thurston who?
Thurston and hungerin!

14
May

Q: How many Russian

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders dont last as long as light bulbs.

14
May

A una ama de casa,

A una ama de casa, un contador público y un abogado se les pregunta: ¿Cuánto es 2+2?

La ama de casa responde de inmediato: ¡cuatro!

El contador público responde: Creo que es 3 ó 4. Déjame correr la macro de mi hoja de cálculo una vez más.

El abogado baja la intensidad de la luz, y entrecerrando los ojos y con tono suave contesta: ¿Cuanto quiere que sea?

14
May

Llega un seor al bao

Llega un señor al baño de un restaurant y ve a un cubano orinando, y se acerca a preguntarle cómo le hacen los cubanos para tenerla tan grandota. El cubano le responde, No, pue eque acá en Cuba dede chiquitico nosotros nos amarramo una piedra en el pene para que nos crezca.

El señor se va a su casa y se amarra una piedra…

Pasó un mes y el señor se encuentra al cubano de nuevo en el restaurant y el cubano le pregunta, ¿Cómo va señor con lo de la piedra?

Pues grande todavía no la tengo, ¡pero negra ya se puso!

14
May

A Learning Experience

Miss Ashley was new to teaching at the junior high school and decided to test the general knowledge of her new class.

Who can tell me who brought down the walls of Jericho?, she asked.



Wasnt me, Miss!, came a swift reply from the front row.



Somewhat taken aback that no-one knew the answer, she reported what had happened in the staff room at break.



A fellow teacher asked, The fellow who answered, was he the little one with red hair and glasses in the front?



Yes, she replied.



Well, said the other teacher, I know him, and if he said that he didnt do it, then he didnt!!



Now Miss Ashley was quite upset. She decided to go to the Principal. She told him what had happened, and the reaction of the other teacher who should have known better.



The Principal looked at her for a moment, then he said, Look, Miss Ashley. You are new around here. There is no point in making trouble. Write me up an invoice for the damage to the walls, and Ill submit it to the insurance company on Monday.

14
May

Always Come Prepared

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot to things…Condoms and Dramamine for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.

So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise and the man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walks to the counter with a plenty pack of condoms and asks for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.



The pharmacist looks at him for a second and then asks him, If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?