What do a moped and a fat lady have in common?

They are both fun to drive, and you wouldnt want your friends to see you
on one.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how
close you came to getting hit.
If you dont hear it you got hit, so never mind.

A little girl is about to go to sleep, and she says her prayers:
God bless mummy, and daddy, and my brother, and may my dog rest in peace.
The next day, her dog falls down, stone dead.

About a week later, she is again about to go to bed, and she prays:
God bless mummy, and daddy, and may my big brother rest in peace.
During school the following day, her brother drops dead.

A while after that, she is about to go to bed, when she prays:
God bless mummy, and may daddy rest in peace.
The next morning, her mother opens the door, and finds the milkman dead on the doorstep.

Not far from Rank Xeroxs office in Welwyn, England, there is a town called Hitchin. On one of the commonly used routes into Hitchin, there was a junction which often confused travellers, causing them to make a wrong turn. The resulting route was nine miles longer than the correct route into Hitchin.

This common mistake was sufficiently irritating that the local people wageda campaign to have a new signpost erected at the junction. After due process, the signpost was installed, and the local people showed up for the installation, holding a sort of mini-festival of celebration.

The local newspaper reported the event with the following headline: A Hitchin Sign Saves Nine

After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for
attending Advanced Astrodynamics 690 and mention that yesterday was the
last day to drop.

Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, The Professor cant hear
you, youll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy.

If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?

Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
tsk, tsk.

Ask students to call you Tinkerbell or Surfin Bird.

Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.

Play Kumbaya on the banjo.

Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.

Announce youll need this, and write the suicide prevention hotline
number on the board.

Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Browns Sex Machine.

Ask occasional questions, but mutter as if you gibbering simps would
know and move on before anyone can answer.

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as
you pace back and forth.

Address students as worm.

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.

Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver
as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each students name,
rank, and serial number.

Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce
that the lectures over when the bottles done.

Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and
proceed normally.

Wear a virtual reality helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

Mention in passing that youre wearing rubber underwear.

Growl constantly and address students as matey.

Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and
ask students to sit back and groove.

Announce that last years students have almost finished their class
projects.

Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all
their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class hes named Boogers McGee
and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the
dog and ask it, Whatll be, McGee?

Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you Snuggles.

Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol youve named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who dont use it.

Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.

Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

Give an opening monologue. Take two minute commercial breaks every ten
minutes.

Tell students that youll fail them if they cheat on exams or fake the funk.

Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia,
for next class.

Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in your grade book.

Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I
picked up in the field.

Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, Are you pumped?
ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!

Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were probably at a bar.

All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames
They thought he drank too many
To play in any bedroom games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
Teddy with your nose so red,
Wont you help me guide my sled?

Thats how the police found them
Wrapped around a maple tree
Teddy the red-nosed senator
Hes a drunken S.O.B.

You know youre Castle Trash if……

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet

Your daughters chastity belt has rusted

You cant afford a cod piece…………….nobody notices

You have more sheep dogs than sheep

You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have…

The plague improved your complexion………..but only for a little while

The Pope sends you to the Crusades………..in Norway

Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum

Your wife is stronger than your plow horse…but the horse is prettier

The grail you brought home has made in China printed on the bottom

Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom

You won most improved at the tournament

They call your daughter made Marian

Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says peace before discomfort

Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son

A Classic

———–

rtfm.mit.edu



Cereals – normal, at first.

——-

life.ai.mit.edu

trix.ai.mit.edu

alpha-bits.ai.mit.edu

beet-chex.ai.mit.edu

masticated-neo-bohemian-cthuloid.mit.edu

chewy-chomp.mit.edu



General Abuse

————-

my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu

no-sir-i-did-not-see-you-playing-with-your-dolls-again.ai.mit.edu

long-hostname-carefully-selected-to-expose-fixed-length-buffers.mit.edu



People and Attitudes

——————–

blithering-intellectual.mit.edu

chick-magnet.mit.edu

convivial-niceguy.mit.edu

dimple-boy.mit.edu

fearless-leader.mit.edu

boyish-good-looks.mit.edu

disarming-smile.mit.edu

that-blonde-chick.mit.edu

uma-thurman.mit.edu



Drugs

—–

big-fat-bag-of-crack.mit.edu

crack-baby.mit.edu

crack-whore.mit.edu

ten-cent-crack-whore.mit.edu



Sex

—

den-of-iniquity.mit.edu

big-pimpin.mit.edu

big-screw.mit.edu

dog-lover.mit.edu (of course, this may not really be sex-related…)

puppy-lover.mit.edu (same)

fried-foreskin.mit.edu

fuck-the-skull-of-jesus.mit.edu

margaret-thatcher-naked-on-a-cold-day.mit.edu

moaning-lisa.mit.edu

pearl-necklace.mit.edu (also somewhat subjective)

porn-star.mit.edu

spankasaurus-rex.mit.edu

squirting-sphincter.mit.edu

turgid-pole.mit.edu

x-rated.mit.edu



Commentary

———-

emacs-makes-a-computer-slow.mit.edu (notably not in gnu.ai.mit.edu domain)

existence-is-meaningless.mit.edu

failure-is-unacceptable.mit.edu

glad-i-am-not-a-dec.mit.edu

i-am-not-the-moose.mit.edu

i-cant-think-of-a-new-hostname.mit.edu

i-could-not-think-of-a-hostname.mit.edu

i-dont-know.mit.edu

i-goddess.mit.edu

i-m-so-tired.mit.edu

i-see-everything-twice.mit.edu

i-will-fear-no-evil.mit.edu

ignorance-is-strength.mit.edu

incite-sedition.mit.edu

its-a-feature.mit.edu

lost-cause.mit.edu

macs-suck.mit.edu

my-hovercraft-is-full-of-eels.mit.edu

my-dog-ate-it.mit.edu

not-a-guppy.mit.edu

not-a-mac.mit.edu

not-a-minihub.mit.edu

not-a-pretty-computer.mit.edu

not-a-printer.mit.edu

not-a-supported-platform.mit.edu

not-a-typewriter.mit.edu

not-an-sgi.mit.edu

not-what-you-think.mit.edu

pepsi-sux.mit.edu

piece-of-shit.mit.edu

point-and-drool.mit.edu

screw-loose.mit.edu

shit-happens.mit.edu

the-world-is-mine.mit.edu

thing-that-should-not-be.mit.edu

think-different.mit.edu

this-is-a-test.mit.edu

this-machine-has-no-neck.mit.edu

turning-coffee-into-theorems.mit.edu

yes-dear.mit.edu

yes-i-am.mit.edu



Odd Other Things

—————-

shit-box.mit.edu

sticky-scrot.mit.edu

seal-clubbing.mit.edu

really-bad-pun.mit.edu

right-bundle-branch.mit.edu

purry-fuzzball.mit.edu

nibbled-to-death-by-ducks.mit.edu

oh-no-not-again.mit.edu

bilge-pump.mit.edu

because-i-was-inverted.mit.edu

church-of-briantology.mit.edu

full-contact-origami.mit.edu

small-dogs.mit.edu

small-gods.mit.edu

something-intelligent.mit.edu

the-brown-ring-of-quality.mit.edu



Technical

———

bovine-spongiform-encephalopathy.mit.edu

tep-soda-machine.mit.edu

turing-machine.mit.edu

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom northside condo. $800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-Im-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Dont bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, communing with Galian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. ISO compatible F.

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF interested in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear and albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler wishes to meet woman of similar interests; must be ambidextrous.

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, police lineups and locking your friends in closets, we already have three things in common! Lets get together.

DM: Physician, 35 – Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar – Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar chateau on the French Riviera. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my lifes work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown on The X-Files. ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot.

…probably one of the best….

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull. We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the Malibu Barbie. It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
its modern origin:

The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams dont have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundations
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didnt really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nations capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities