Old and New Jokes

Una mañana, una rubia encantadora llama a su novio muy alterada:

Tienes que venir a ayudarme. ¡Tengo un rompecabezas y no soy capaz ni de empezar!

¿Qué clase de rompecabezas?

Según la foto de la caja, es un tigre.

Como a él se le dan muy bien los rompecabezas, decide pasarse a echarle una mano. Entra y se acerca a la mesa donde están todas las piezas dispersas, al lado de la caja. Mira las piezas, luego la caja y se vuelve hacia ella:

Bueno, para empezar, lo siento mucho, pero no veo cómo unir estas piezas para formar el tigre. Y segundo, te aconsejo que te relajes, te tomes un café y después metas las Zucaritas de Kellogs en su caja…

Two guys were out hunting and they got lost.



The first guy says to the second guy, What do you think we should do?





The second guy says, Lets fire three shots into the air. Its the international distress code.





They fire three shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says to the second guy, What do you think we should do now?





The second guy says, Lets fire three more shots into the air.





They fire three more shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says, What do you think we should do now?





The second guy says, Lets fire three more shots into the air.





The first guy says, Well I sure hope someone comes soon, these are my last three arrows!.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: Its not just for breakfast anymore.

So youre a feminist…Isnt that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots….I married their king.

IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Copied from the Houston Chronicle:

Language changes to reflect cultural shifts. And in this period of skill shortages, flexible work arrangements and global business deals, new workplace jargon was bound to pop up. So youre not caught off-guard at the next corporate luncheon when someone refers their employee as a job vacuum or border crosser, heres a handy reference guide courtesy of Challenger, Gray & Christmas, the Chicago outplacement firm.

Job vacuums:
Employees who voluntarily sweep up extra duties; show strong work ethic.
Border Crossers:
Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm.
Soft benefits:
Nonmonetary enhancements.
People churner:
A bad boss who often is blamed when a company cant retain its key employees.
Protected class:
Rank and file employees with critical job skills.
Boomerang workers:
Retirees returning to their previous employer.
Toxic:
Worker with anti-management reputation who is often litigious.

A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.
Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.
Im here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples.

yo mamma so fat she got hit dy a bus a said

yall kids stop throwing them rocks!

Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.

Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for…their baby was born!

So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row…all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy…this little baby had to be theirs.

Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.

The nurse, hearing this, said He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, Where have you been?

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, Look, Michael, look what Ive made.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, What is it?

Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put LIFE on it. Im going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance.

Balance? inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there Ive placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people, God continued, pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass and asked, Whats that one?

Colorado, the most glorious place on Earth. Theres beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite grasslands. The people from Colorado are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and theyre going to be found traveling the world. Theyll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come across them.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about balance, God? … You said there will be BALANCE!

God replied wisely, Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiney-assed, arrogant, piss-ants Im putting in Texas!

HOW DID IT HAPPEN? the doctor asked the middle-aged
farmhand as he set the mans broken leg.

Well, doc, 25 years ago …

Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
morning.

Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started
working on the farm, that night, right after Id gone to bed, the
farmers beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
there was anything I wanted.

I said, No, everything is fine.

Are you sure? she asked.

Im sure, I said.

Isnt there anything I can do for you? she wanted to
know. I reckon not, I replied.

Excuse me, said the doctor, What does this story have to
do with your leg?

Well, this morning, the farmhand explained, when it dawned
on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!

Source: Steven Stuart-Doig,
Director, AISS Information Center, University of Illinois At Chicago

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary, I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane.

Hillary says, Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane.

Chelsea says, I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!