Old and New Jokes

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Kelly limps into his favorite pub…

My god! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

I got in a tiff with Riley, whispered Kelly to the beertender.

Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said surprised.

He must have had something in his hand.

That he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.

Dear Lord. Didnt you have anything in your hand?

Aye, that I did – Mrs. Rileys right tit. Kelly said.

And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!

An elderly spinster called the lawyers office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, You must understand, Ive lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I dont like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinsters home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyers first question was, Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how youd like them to be distributed under your will?

She replied, Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.

Tell me, the lawyer asked, how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?

The spinster said, Well, as Ive told you, Ive lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so Id like them to notice when I pass on. Id like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.

The lawyer remarked, Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me, he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?

The spinster replied, As you know, Ive never married, Ive lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact Ive never slept with a man. Before I die, Id like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.

This is a very unusual request, the lawyer said, adding, but Ill see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, Ill drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until youre finished.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinsters house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didnt come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, Pick me up tomorrow, shes going to let the County bury her!

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog cant even ride a bicycle.

Why did the Blonde cross the road? Who cares, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen!

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!

Whats come over you?

2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.



Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pack of cards!

Ill deal with you later.



Doctor Doctor – I feel like a needle!

I see your point.



Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pair of curtains!

Pull yourself togerther man!



Doctor Doctor – I have 59 seconds to live!

Wait a minute will ya!

The following are letters from children to GOD.





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Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Alladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.

-Raphael







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Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.

-Danny







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Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

-Larry







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Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.

-Sam







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Dear GOD, You dont have to worry about me. I always look both ways.

-Dean







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Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

-Ruth M.







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Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when Im not praying.

-Elliott







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Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

-Nan







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Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.

-Rob







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Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesnt sound right. Theyre just kidding, arent they?

-Marsha







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Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes.

-Mickey D.







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Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris





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Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna





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Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah – You made an ark on dry land you fool. But he was smart, he stuck with You. Thats what I would do.

-Eddie







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Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.

-Charles







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Dear GOD, I didnt think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!

-Eugene

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, Well, thats fine, but its not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.

The Lawyer said, Wait, wait! Theres more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, Lets give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.

Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.