Old and New Jokes

If there isnt a law, there will be.

To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time
before cooking a dish.

Allows for the fingers to be
burned when placing the food into the oven, as well as when taking
the food
out.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

We need = I want
Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = Youll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure… go ahead = I dont want you to.
Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron.
Youre … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Youre certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Im not emotional! And Im not overreacting! = Im on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house.
I want new curtains… = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…
I need wedding shoes. = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there. = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like.
Ill be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = You have to learn to agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = (Too late. Youre dead.)
Yes. = No.
No. = No.
Maybe. = No.
Im sorry. = Youll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = Its easy to fix, so youd better get used to it.
Was that the baby ? = Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
Im not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

An answer to question: Whats wrong?

The same old thing. = Nothing.
Nothing. = Everything.
Everything. = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. = Youre such an asshole!
I dont want to talk about it. = Im not ready to yell at you yet.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.The bus driver said: Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen.In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.The bus driver insulted me, she fumed.The man sympathized and said: Why, hes a public servant and shouldnt say things to insult passengers.Youre right, she said. I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.Thats a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just dont wanna go to.

ID LOVE TO BUT…

…I did my own thing and now Ive got to undo it. …I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. …I have to floss my pets… …I have to go to the post office to see if Im still wanted. …I want to spend more time with my blender. …Im attending the opening of my garage door. …Im building a pig from a kit. …Im doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. …Im enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. …Im getting my overalls overhauled. …Im going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. …Im staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures. …Im teaching my ferret to yodel. …Im trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. …Ive got plans to go downtown to try on gloves. …Its my parakeets bowling night. …My patent is pending. …The nice man on television told me to say tuned…

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. This is Capt. Johnson, were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, First Im gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night.

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag – ***splat *** and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, No need to run dearie, hes got to go for a shit first!

A merchant ordered 500 turkeys for the Christmas season. A few weeks before the holiday, however, his sales dropped sharply.

Afraid that he wouldnt be able to sell all the turkeys, he phoned the distributor and instructed him to Cut my order in half!

When his order arrived, guess what it contained?

Five hundred turkeys, of course, each cut in half!

Its really amazing how easy it is to misunderstand a message and sometimes rather embarassing, but funny!

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day

just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, You

know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I

dont think I can stay in business at those prices.

Her Mom thinks for a while and says, Well dear, in my day we would

give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to

get that!

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says, The

both of you dont know what tough times really are. Back during the

depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just

glad to get something warm in our stomachs!

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says: OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon hes done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

Who the hecks that? she says.

Its Paul McCartney, he replies.

Doesnt look like him at all says she. Now get it right or Ill report you.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally hes done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off No way thats Paul Mccartney she says.

It bloody well is says the man. Listen Ill get a second opinion

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk whos been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. Theres the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)…

Tell me who the hell you think that is.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), Ive no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!