Old and New Jokes

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces:

Im lookin for the man who shot my paw.

The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…

Beautiful, just fuckin BEATUIFUL!

Theres this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT!. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says OK for you and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the mans outstretched arm and says,Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. The man is astonished. He cant understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: Its a big building with a lot of doctors, but thats not important now!

Several short geology plays on words

Okay, if you are a real geologist, you probably enjoy transferring geology vocabulary into everyday situations. For example, if you agree with what someone has said, you may say, You breccia! or My sediments exactly!

And if you are not pleased with the persons statement, you may resort to the old:

Thats not gneiss!

Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, bankers dont change light bulbs.

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied Im on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said Im on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell?

She replied, if I told you, you would only laugh. No I wouldnt, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

Well if you must know, she answered, I sell Tampax.

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said see I knew you would laugh.

Thats not what Im laughing at he replied, Im a toilet paper salesman, so Im still a hole behind you!

En la Edad Media un caballero en armadura llegó a ver a su Rey tras meses de luchar en lugares lejanos.

Saludos, mi Señor. He regresado con tu ejército, tras grandes éxitos en el combate.

¿De veras? ¿Qué grandes cosas has hecho en mi nombre?

Bueno, mi Señor, hemos conquistado a tus enemigos del Este. Hemos acabado con sus ejércitos. Destruimos sus castillos, quemamos sus campos, tomamos a sus mujeres…

Un momento, un momento, yo no tengo enemigos en el Este.

¿No? ¡Bueno, ahora los tienes!

Estaba una muchacha en una fiesta y se le acerca un mesero a ofrecerle más whisky:

Madame, ¿gusta otra copa de whisky?

No, gracias, me hace daño para las piernas.

¿Se le entumen?

¡No, se me abren!

Entra un perro a una oficina con un periódico en el hocico. Cuando intentan sacarlo, pone el periódico en el suelo y señala con una pata un anuncio:

Solicitamos empleado que sepa escribir a máquina, experto en Visual Basic y hable varios idiomas. Igualdad de oportunidades: no importa raza, edad o sexo.

Entendiendo que el animal va en busca de trabajo, lo llevan con el jefe de personal. Este le advierte:

Sabes, nosotros teníamos en mente a alguien distinto…

¡Guau!, ladra el perro señalando con su pata la parte del anuncio que dice igualdad de oportunidades.

Bueno, pero es que el aspirante debe saber escribir a máquina…

El can se dirige al escritorio en el que está la computadora; se trepa a una silla y empieza a teclear con las patas. En pocos minutos sale de la impresora una carta de negocios perfectamente redactada y sin una sola falta de ortografía.

Está bien, pero es necesario que el aspirante sea experto en Visual Basic.

El sabueso pone una pata sobre el Mouse y utiliza otra para teclear. En pocos minutos elabora una base de datos perfectamente estructurada y sin un solo error. El jefe de personal, desesperado, se dirige al perro:

Es que sucede que el aspirante debe hablar varios idiomas…

El animal se acerca al jefe de personal y comienza:

Miau…