Old and New Jokes

Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.

Id rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: Your honor, a juror is asleep.

The Judge ruled: You put him to sleep! YOU wake him up!

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do. To the police officer, he then said, No, officer; I was not gambling.

The officer then asked the minister, Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, No, officer; I was not gambling.

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, With whom?

An
older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday

evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told
the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought
out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man
said, "I dont think you understand, I want something
very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special
stock and brought another ring over. "Heres
a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler
said.

The young ladys eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled

with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "Well
take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated, by check. " I know you need to
make sure my check is good, so Ill write it now and
you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
Ill pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the
old man.

"Theres no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can
you imagine the weekend I had?".

An Ann Arbor area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its rear end. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan Wolverine fight song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. Sir, youve got to come down and help me, Ive just seen something I cant believe.

Annoyed by the naivete of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. There, look at the cork in the rear end of that body, I couldnt imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it.

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Michigan fight song started playing. Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: Whats so surprising about that. Ive heard thousands of butt-holes sing that song.

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.

He left her a note saying:

Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So Im leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. Well be staying at the Sheraton.

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:

Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And Im sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!

Q: Did you hear heaven is going broke?

A: Yeah, Liberace is up there blowing all the prophets!

Liberace was a great pianist but he sucked on the organ.

Frank
reid@gold.bacs.indiana.edu

While practicing auto-rotations during a military
night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up
the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The
landing was so hard that it broke off the tail
boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained
upright on its skids, sliding down the runway
doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a
brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio
exchange that took place…

Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?

Cobra: I dont know, tower, we aint done
crashin yet.