A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his
future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog is thrilled, This is great!
Will I meet her at a party? he croaks.
No, says the psychic, in biology class.
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
*The patients past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
We Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the conversion process I now submit some Useful Metric Conversions.
1 million microphones1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirdstwo kilomockingbirds
10 cards1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers1 pound cake
1 trillion pins1 terrapin
10 rations1 decoration
100 rations1 C-ration
10 millipedes1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents1 decadent
2 monograms1 diagram
8 nickels2 paradigms
2 wharves1 paradox
I hope this proves a useful tool.
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles.
– US Senator Jesse Helms
Consider the following facts about hamsters:
Theyre found mostly in peoples houses.
They come out mainly at night.
They run around like little wind-up toys.
They have two speeds: stop and fast.
They naturally avoid people.
If you try to grab them they dive into the nearest tiny hole.
Once theyve hidden they can be extremely difficult to find.
They seem to like living in what basically amounts to a pile of trash.
They eat little bits of food, crumbs, etc.
They tend to be brown.
They reproduce very rapidly.
Fear of them (and similar creatures) is not terribly uncommon.
Conclusion: hamsters are large cockroaches.
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves. Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives. For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000, replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. But the patients daughter was unsatisfied and asked, Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains? Standard pricing practice, said the doctor. Womens brains have to be marked down because theyve actually been used.
Un platillo volador desciende en un vecindario; tocan a la puerta de la casa de un gangoso:
¿Quié esg?, pregunta con su voz nasal.
Venimos de Marte, responden los extraterrestres.
¿De marte de quié?, pregunta a su vez el gangoso.
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
How are we faring? asks the king.
Sire, replies the knight, I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.
What?! shrieks the king. I dont have any enemies to the west!
Oh, says the knight. Well, you do now.
AOL announced another rate increase today moving the ulimited access rate up too $23.90/month. Thought this joke was appropriate to celebrate the occassion.
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later… and later… and later… and oh forget it.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim its the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just lock-up for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but theyd be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldnt come with profile feature… oh no!
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be limos.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, Good-Bye.
B. J.
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you are angry with him/her.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Pre-natal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first babys dummy by boiling it and to your last babys dummy by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.
Two-Minute Warning: When the babys face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: To whine in words.
Whodunnit: None of the kids that live in your house.