A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant was planning a weeks vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didnt quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldnt bring herself to write the word TOILET in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. Does the campground have its own B.C.? is what she actually wrote. The campground owner wasnt old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldnt figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldnt imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. Theyre going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, Youre in terrific shape. Theres nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?
The 60 year old responded, Who said he was dead?
The doctor was surprised and asked, How old is he and is he very active?
The 60 year old responded, Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.
The doctor couldnt believe it. Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?
The 60 year old responded again, Who said he was dead?
The doctor was astonished. He said, You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?
The 60 year old said, He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that, said the patient, my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.
The doctor said, At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, Who said he wanted to?
Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.
So God and Jesus are out golfing one day and they come to a particulary treacherous hole. Dog leg to the right with a lake in the middle.
Its Jesus turn to tee off and He grabs a sand wedge.
Just wait one minute, my son, God says, you cant make this hole with that club!.
Sure I can, dad, replies Jesus, I saw Arnold Palmer do this on TV the other day. This is exactly the club he used!
Ok, replied God, Go ahead and make an ass of yourself.
Well, Jesus tees off, and sure as heck it goes BLOINK, right in the water. Jesus is all embarrassed, picks up his robe, walks out across the water and reaches down to pick his ball up.
Meanwhile, theres two other golfers waiting to tee off and they saw the whole thing.
One of them walks up to God and asks, Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ or somebody?
No, replied God, He thinks hes Arnold Palmer.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main
Street.
But, officer, the man began. I can explain.
Just be quiet, snapped the officer. I am going to let you cool your heels in
jail until the chief gets back.
But, officer, I just wanted to say…
And I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you
the chief is at his daughters wedding. He will be in a good mood when he gets
back.
Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. I am the groom.
Yo Mama is so fat that when she sleeps around the house, she sleeps AROUND the house.
Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated Spirits!
Q: How many atoms in a guacamole?
A:Avocados number.
Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole?
A: Avogadros.
Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.
These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: It takes alkynes to make a world.
Take plenty of the dark purple solution, Tom offered, managnimously.
This old pipe is rusty, said Tom, ironically.
Tú Puto, tú Puto, le dice el pequeño Pepito a su papá, señalándolo con el Ãndice.
¡Cállate, niño grosero!, le ordena el padre.
Tú Puto, tú Puto, insiste Pepito.
¡Qué te calles!, vocifera el padre al tiempo que le propina un golpe.
Tú Puto y yo TibilÃn, dice sollozando Pepito.
Un dÃa cualquiera, va Franco y resucita, y se encuentra a 1 vigilante del Valle de los CaÃdos:
Pero, ¿Cómo es posible?, pregunta estupefacto el vigilante.
Deje de extrañarse y dÃgame, ¿quién manda en España?
Mandan los suyos. Mire, de presidente Aznar…
¡Buen periodista Manuel Aznar Zubigaray! Escribió Historia Militar de la Guerra en España.
¡No!, el nieto del periodista.
¿Quién es el portavoz del Gobierno?
PÃo Cabanillas.
¡Muy inteligente! ¡Si señor! ¡Cabanillas Gallas! Mi ministro de Información.
No, el hijo.
¿Quién está de embajador en Marruecos?
Arias Salgado.
¡Bien! Mi otro ministro de Información y Turismo, Gabriel Arias Salgado.
¡No! El hijo.
¿Cómo van las relaciones con los marroquÃes?
Hay algunos problemas con la inmigración y el Perejil, pero el gobierno ha encargado a Fernández Miranda esos asuntos.
¡Hombre! ¡Torcuato! ¡Muy acertado para el cargo!
¡No, no, no!. El hijo, Enrique.
¿Y en Vascongadas y Cataluña? ¿Cómo van las cosas?
Ahora las regiones se llaman AutonomÃas, y el ministro que las coordina es Jesús Posada.
¡Posada Cacho!, mi fiel Gobernador Civil en Soria.
¡No!, el hijo. Y Oreja es el representante del partido del gobierno en Vascongadas.
¡Hombre mi fiel Marcelino!
No, el sobrino.
¿Y en justicia, quién está?
Hay uno nuevo, no me acuerdo como se llama, pero antes estaba Mariscal de Gante.
¡Bien! Mi director general de Régimen JurÃdico de la Prensa, Jaime Mariscal de Gante.
¡No, tampoco!. Su hija Margarita.
¿Y en la Puerta del Sol, en la sede de Gobernación, quién esta?
Un buen amigo de los socialistas, RuÃz.
¿Pero como mi portavoz, VÃctor RuÃz Albéniz, va a ser amigo de los socialistas?
¡No!, el nieto, Alberto RuÃz Gallardón.
Y en Galicia, dime ¿Quién está en mi Galicia natal?
Fraga.
¿El nieto supongo?
No… ¡el de siempre!
This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around. Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.
He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.
She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.
The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.
He says The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out until the end of the school day!!!!!