Old and New Jokes

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere …

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating suicide while the gorgeous woman goes on talking about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least its not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by setting up a distillery. They dont remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS…

Sighting #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly, Thats why we ask.

Idiot Sighting #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, What on earth are blind people doing driving!

Idiot Sighting #3:

At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to downsizing, our manager spoke up and said, this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often, Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4:

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passengers side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. Hey, I announced to the technician, its open! I know, answered the young man. I already got that side…

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, So tell me, do I come here often?

Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. But when the fun was over, he found that he could not

take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but none would remove it. Panicking, he called the

suppliers Customer Service Hotline. The farmer: Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cows udder? Customer Service: Dont worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.

A mob of people with water in it.

Just a reminder, Richard Pryor will be here
on Thursday to speak on behalf of the ignited Negro fund.

Did you hear about the guy who drove his Ford Chevy truck into the lake?

It sank… like a rock!

If IBM made toasters …
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters …
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldnt have to take the toaster, but youd have to pay for it anyway. Toaster95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters …
It would do everything Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Fisher-Price made toasters …
Babys First Toaster would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters …
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters …
Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters …
They made good toasters in the 70s, didnt they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters …
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters …
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If The Franklin Mint made toasters …
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters …
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters …
You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters …
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters …
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could by all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toaster …
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives with each one.

If XAVIER made toasters …
First, they would make a temporary toaster. They would plan for it to serve for several weeks while the permanent toaster was being made. Then because the new improved toaster will be so much better, they would reroute all the traffic within 3 miles of the permanent toaster. Anyone wanting to use the temporary toaster would have to walk to Kentucky and back in order to use it. They would say that the permanent toaster will be ready in five months; however, it would not be ready for at least seven months.

John OReilly hoisted his beer and said,
Heres to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife! That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.She said, Aye, what was your toast? John said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.
Oh that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Johns toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary. She said, Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, hes only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.