Old and New Jokes

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says: OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon hes done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

Who the hecks that? she says.

Its Paul McCartney, he replies.

Doesnt look like him at all says she. Now get it right or Ill report you.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally hes done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off No way thats Paul Mccartney she says.

It bloody well is says the man. Listen Ill get a second opinion

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk whos been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. Theres the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)…

Tell me who the hell you think that is.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), Ive no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the Dirt for Sale sign in the front yard.

Youre still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You dont think Jeffs Foxworthys jokes are funny.

Youve ever been arrested for bootleggin.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

Q: Whats the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesnt!

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, shell discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three–One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an Im the NRA ad while doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.

Al jefe de una oficina le comunican que la mujer de uno de sus empleados se ha muerto en un accidente. El jefe no sabe como decírselo y se lo comenta al secretario, y éste le dice:

Déjamelo a mí, que se me da bien contar malas noticias.

El secretario va donde el empleado y le dice:

Lo siento Paco, pero se ha muerto toda tu familia en un accidente.

Paco se queda pálido, y le dice el secretario:

¡Qué no hombre! ¡Qué sólo se ha muerto tu mujer…!

Las diez cosas que una mujer haría si se despertara con pene:

10. Ser ascendida más rápido en su trabajo.

9. Conseguir una mamada.

8. Ver por qué es tan fascinante pegarle a la carne.

7. Hacer pipí parada y poder hablar al mismo tiempo con alguien al lado.

6. Averiguar por qué no pueden atinarle al retrete constantemente.

5. Sentir lo que es estar al otro lado de un orgasmo.

4. Tocarse y rascarse en público sin importar que tan impropio se pueda ver.

3. Brincar de arriba a abajo completamente desnuda, con una erección, para ver si se siente tan chistoso como se ve.

2. Entender la razón científica de lo que ocurre entre los ojos de un hombre y una regla situada al lado de su miembro en erección, que causa que sea menos de dos centímetros lo que lo separa del fin de la regla.

Y la primera cosa que una mujer haría si tuviera un pene sería…

¡Repetir la numero 9!

Va un hombre al médico, y éste le dice:

Oiga, que me duelen los cojones.

Y el médico, tan asustado, dice:

Un poco de respeto, mejor diga que le duelen los concejales. Pero bueno, yo le recetaré una medicina para el dolor.

A los dos días vuelve al médico y le dice:

Oiga, ¿cómo van los concejales?

Y con un suspiro de resignación dice el tío:

Los concejales van bien, pero el alcalde no levanta cabeza.

Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning – and you dont know where the spider is.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.



Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt realized it yet.



Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit inquire.



Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* made the dinner.



Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.



Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.



Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.



Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.



Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.



Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.



Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.



Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See Magician.



Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isnt coming out anytime soon.



Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus, breath push…



Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear…!



Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, to go somewhere and neck. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.



Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also tranquilizers.



Valentines Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.



Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.



Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself …anyway.