A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise. The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold, explains the guide. The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop noise. Wait a minute! says the man taking the tour. I understand what the hiss, hiss, is, but whats that pop every so often? Oh, its just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine, says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom. Well, that cant be good for the condoms! Yeah, but its great for the baby-bottle nipple business!
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal, the AOL/Netscape deal, and the HP/Compaq deal, here are the next bombshell mergers. Investors should expect the following. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly Warner Cracker. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da. Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge to become Fairwell Honeychild. Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants will merge to become Poupon Pants. Knotts Berry Farm and National Organization of Women will merge to become Knott NOW.
An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.
The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.
Whats the difference, he asks?
Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on. The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays. The Australians, well, they have 12.
At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?
Yes, 12. One for January, one for February…
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says Ill take this option.
Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all?!?
Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. But the bottle has a hole in it!
Why the PC?, he continued, Its got the latest version of Windows and its missing three keys!
Which three? said Lucifer.
Control, Alt and Delete!
Youre not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
A: To bankrupt the other side.
In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark,
Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot
where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your sons room.
Worse: Youre in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughters the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriends exercising.
Bad: So hell fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughters on the Pill.
Bad: Shes eleven.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: Shes coming home.
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, Just what the hell you are doing?!
Well, said the guy, you see, Im a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cant help practicing my art!
Thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard! the guy replied.
I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I dont freakin think so!