Why didnt the mouse cross the road?
Its cord wasnt long enough!
17
Jun
17
Jun
God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates ……………
Everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension…. And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes…. And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests… So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked… God, what is this beautiful country here?
God said Aha…that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold…..
The angel was quite surprised But God you said everything should be in balance.
God replied Look at the neighbours I gave them
17
Jun
Top 12 Rejected Public Holidays
12 Start of Christmas Season Day
11 False Labor Day
10 Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
9 Hallmark Card Day
8 Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
7 Newtsmas
6 Deadbeat Fathers Day
5 Bad Hair Day
4 Put Your Daughter To Work Day
3 Doris Day
2 St. Hooters Day
and the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday…
1 Hash Wednesday
17
Jun
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
16
Jun
Welcome to Entropy Burgers — may I take your order?
I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time.
My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you.
I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her names Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she dont like you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally among the population.
What kind of Poisson would say something like this?
16
Jun
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a big black lab in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the lab is back again.
He walks over to the lab, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the labs mouth, there is a 20 dollar bill.
So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the labs mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since its closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the lab. So, off he goes.
The lab trots off down the street and comes to a crossing. The lab puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it does, he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The lab then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage.
The lab checks out the times, and sits on one of the benches. Along comes a bus. The lab walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his bench. Another bus comes. Again the lab goes and checks out the number, notices its the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now fully intrigued, follows the lab onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the lab gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still in tow. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.
He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door. Then he goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door again! Theres no answer at the door, so the lab goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the lab, who now hangs his head in shame.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!
To which the guy responds, Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week hes forgotten his key!
16
Jun
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something youve been doing wrong.
16
Jun
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
16
Jun
Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.
16
Jun
Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over womens breasts is good for a mans health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30 minute aerobics workout, declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Bouncer
Dr. Bouncer and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients – half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.
The study revealed that after five years, the chest watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.
Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation, explains Dr. Bouncer. Theres no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half.
Dr. Bouncer suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized D-cup or greater. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.
Dr. Bouncer says she would advise U.S. males to watch jiggle shows on TV, rent low budget women-in-prison movies and peruse mens magazines such as Playboy as often as possible.
The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed angels of mercy include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore.