Old and New Jokes

Uh Oh! said an ardent young man reading a letter.



His friend, standing near him, said, Bad news?



Disturbing news, anyway, said the young man. Its from someone who says if I dont stay away from his wife, hell kill me.



In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife.



Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous.

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO-3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C-12H-22O-11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C-12H-22O-11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Procedures:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (hereafter referred to as reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel (hereafter referred to as reactor # 2) with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the said mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation.

Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnstons first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table. Allow the product sufficient time to come to equilibrium.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny waves his hand, Me, miss, me, me!

Teacher says All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny says Mas-tur-bate.

Teacher smiles and says Wow, little Johnny, thats a mouthful.

Little Johnny says No, miss, youre thinking of a blowjob. Im talking about a wank.

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry."Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace. What was in the envelopes? her friends asked. The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably. The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for a nice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending. And the third envelope? asked her friends.
The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone. Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…
So, do you like my stone? showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.

Dad, says the son, what do I do tonight? Im very nervous.

Dont worry, comforts the father. Its all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees.

So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them

Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

I have chapped lips.

Does manure help them heal?

No, but it keeps me from licking them.