Two guys and a girl were sitting in a bar drinking gin and tonics and talking about their respective professions.
The first guy says, Im what you call a YUPPIE. You know Young Urban Professional.
The second guy says,Well, I am what you call a DINK. You know Double Income No Kids.
Then the woman says, Yeah Well, Im a WIFE. You know Wash, Iron, F$&#, Etc.
This is a great business to be in.
You got it,
You sell it,
And you still got it.
(via Original Sins)
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.
No problem says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?
Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.
Done says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the Great Wizard?
Up steps George Bush sadly, Im told by the American people that I
need a heart.
Ive heard its true says the Wizard. Consider it done.
Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesnt say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?
And Willie replies – Is Dorothy around?
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!
The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, This one isnt wearing any shoes either!
( A fellow named Bill Pfieffer, an engineer in Portland, OR, told me these
jokes; Bill is an immigrant from West Germany, and German humor has always
been a little different from ours. )
In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have
some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man.
So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot.
The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every
morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.
After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it
wasnt very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning
to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and
promise to mend their ways.
The cook heard them out, then said, You are going to stop shitting in my
boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee.
Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, and Ive decided to give your wife $775 a week.
Thats very fair, your honor, the husband said. And every now and then Ill try to send her a few bucks myself.
You can buy a Yankee Stadium hotdog in October!
PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
— Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but cant remember what they are.
— Matt Lauer on NBCs Today show, August 22
I havent committed a crime.
What I did was fail to comply with the law.
— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
Ive never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued…. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
— Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history… this centurys history…. We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.
— Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
— Chicago Rotary Club journal, Gyrator
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. Its only the people who make them less safe.
— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
Ive always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.
— Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
— Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
— Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN: ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
You might be a redneck if…
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.