Old and New Jokes

A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet.

She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didnt help.

One of the men immediately replies: No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.

Va un tipo vendiendo tamales por la calle:

¡Tamales de pollo, carne y elote!

En eso, una señora a la que le habían amputado una pierna lo escucha y sale corriendo a alcanzarlo:

Señor, señor, espérese.

El tamalero se detiene y le pregunta:

¿De qué le doy?

¿De qué tiene?

De pollo, de elote y de carne, usted escoja.

¡Pues yo soy coja, pero usted es un hijo de la chingada!

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these.



The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.



Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. Its something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time.



Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, Spit em out, guys, theyre assholes!

Bradys First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….

Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, Thats a nice kitty. Drop the pill in its mouth.

Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in – quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you wont be able to see what you are doing. Thats just as well.

Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.

Now pull yourself together. Whos the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, Whos the the boss here anyway? Open cats mouth, take pill & ….Oooops!

This isnt working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.

Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

Flatten cats front & back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man – or woman!

Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cats head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila! Its done!

Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

Take two asprins and lie down.

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Taxis stop for us.

We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

We dont have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

Well never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they arent listening anyway.

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

Man: Thats not so bad, whatcha got?

Devil: Well, Im going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if thats where you want to spend eternity.

Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and theres a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

Man: Ouch, that seems painful. Its not for me, whats next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. Ill take this one.

Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says – Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my sons turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. Hes a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."