Old and New Jokes

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and active low signals didnt yet exist.)

On the second day, Gods boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasnt. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign! And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that new and improved wouldnt do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with add and logical shift instructions. And the original bit discovered that — by performing a single shift instruction — it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply. And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasnt worked right since.

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Dont imagine you can change a man – unless hes in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.
Never let your mans mind wander. Its too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators cant dance or buy drinks.
Never sleep with a man whos named his penis.
Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women dont make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.
A mans idea of serious commitment is usually oh alright, Ill stay the night.
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldnt even bother to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if youre faking it tell him no, youre just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if hes your first, tell him you may be … you do look familiar.

Está Pepito en el recreo, cuando pasa María, a lo que Pepito le ofrece:

María, juguemos a que yo te meta el dedito en el ombligo.

Ya bueno.

Al cabo de un rato:

Pepito, ese no es mi ombligo.

No te preocupes María, ese tampoco es mi dedo.

I dont care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.

This guy has problems so he goes to a counselor. The counselor askes Whats wrong? And the man replies,God is my friend. Whenever I get up to got to the bathroom he turns the light on, And whenever I go back to bed he turns the light off. The counselor found this very suspicious so he went to the guys wife and tells her what he said. And his wife replied, That idiot, he wont stop peeing in the refriderator.

There were two guys fishing in a boat. And they havent caught anything all day. Suddenly the one pulls up a old lamp and wipes it off. Out comes a genie. The genie says I will give you one wish what will it be? So the guy says turn the whole lake into beer. Poof the lake is beer. The guy turns to the other and says so what do you think of that, the other guy says I think your a fucking asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.

The one who says it cant be done should never interrupt the one doing it.

The Law Of The Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)

6. Ive got a boyfriend (whos really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys).

5. I dont date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldnt even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)

4. Its not you, its me. (Its not me, its you.)

3. Im concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. Im celibate. (Ive sworn off only the men like you.)

…and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Lets be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing)

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In response… The male perspective on the same issue …

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…)

10. I think of you as a sister. (Youre ugly.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (Youre ugly.)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (Youre ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (Youre ugly.)

6. Ive got a girlfriend. (Youre ugly.)

5. I dont date women where I work. (Youre ugly.)

4. Its not you, its me. (Youre ugly.)

3. Im concentrating on my career. (Youre ugly.)

2. Im celibate. (Youre ugly.)

…and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Lets be friends. (Youre sinfully ugly.)

Each year, the Washington Post asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesnt get it.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a serious bummer.Glibido: All talk and no action.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.And the winner:Ignoranus: A person whos both stupid and an asshole.