Old and New Jokes

In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times

Included Late Night humor

A failing Mexican economy is expected to have a dramatic impact on the United States. All of our big companies may have to move back.

OJ UPDATE: In light of damaging testimony given by Ron Shipp, Simpsons Dream Team will now be referred to as the Dream Interpretation Team. Shipp added that his cousin Johnnie Cochrans dream finally came true. Robert Shapiro finally sat down and shut up.

Defense lawers referred to OJ as the embodiment of the American Dream. Of coarse, theyve also referred to sulferic acid as Americas Favorite Thirst Quencher.

Theyre going to re-release OJs movie and re-name it Naked Gun 33 1/3 to Life. The Fox movie about OJ wasnt very up to date. It had him saying he was inside the house sleeping when the crime was comitted. Where have they been? That was like two alibis ago.

And finally, in other news – Astronomers are overwhelmed by massive amounts of information obtained from the Hubble Space Telescope. Even with all this new data, they still cant pronounce Uranus in public without giggling.

PS – for the person who caught my faux-pas (18th amendment vs 21st) fortunately, I dont author these things I just share em with the net (with some minor editing), but unfortunately I dont research them either… OOPS!

Buh-bye!!!

Every parent occasionally has a disagreement with their kids. There is a brief moment when you consider the options…

Doorstops
Boat anchors
Speed bumps
Target practice
Decoys
Pitbull snacks
Elevator counterweights
Shark bait
Crash dummies

And the Number One alternative thing to do with children…

Organ donor

Q: What did the hobo get for Christmas?

A: NOTHING!

Two nuns were driving along the road, and see a man exposing himself. Holy
Mother of God! exclaimed the Mother Superior. Sister! Show him your cross!
So the other nun winds down the window, leans out and shouts Fuck Off!

Santa: “Yaar, where does the Sun go at night?”

Banta : “It does not go anywhere. It remains there but due to darkness we can’t see it.”

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

Youve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

Q: Whats the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor… Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.

Yo mammas so nasty, I was havin phone sex with her and I got an ear infection!