At the marriage counselors office, the woman complained, Whats-his-name here says I dont give him enough attention.
17
May
17
May
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend
5.0 to Husband
1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.
0.
In addition, Husband
1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance
9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL
5.0 and NBA
3.
0. Conversation
8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning
2.6 simply crashes the system.
Ive tried running Nagging
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
–Desperate
***
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend
5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband
1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears
6.
2. Husband
1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty
3.0 and Flowers
7.
0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband
1.0 to default to GrumpySilence
2.5, Happyhour
7.0 or Beer
6.
1.
Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw
1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband
1.0
In summary, Husband
1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood
3.0 and Lingerie
5.
3.
Good Luck! Tech Support
17
May
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under Bah humbug.
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmas house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
17
May
One is a wide-mouthed, bottom-feeding scum sucker. The other is a fish
16
May
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
16
May
How careers end…
Painters are discolored.
Spinsters are dismissed.
Judges are disappointed.
16
May
Un transportista llevaba una partida de pingüinos hacia el zoológico, cuando a medio camino se le estropea el camión refrigerado. Preocupado, trata de reparar el problema y al ver pasar un camión repartidor de leche consigue que se detenga. Entonces le dice al lechero:
Mira, te voy a dar $500 para que me hagas el favor de llevar estos pingüinos al zoológico.
El lechero toma el dinero y se lleva con gusto a los pájaros en su camión refrigerado. Mientras tanto, el transportista logra arreglar el daño, y de inmediato enfila hacia el zoológico. En cuanto llega, ve salir al lechero con los pingüinos, en fila, detrás de él. El conductor le pregunta al lechero:
¿Adónde vas con los pingüinos?
Mira, ya los lleve al zoológico, pero como me sobró dinero los voy a llevar al cine.
16
May
Una pareja que lleva cerca de 40 años casada va paseando por la carretera. De pronto, la esposa le dice:
Cariño, ¿recuerdas cuando nos casamos y que fue en esta barda donde hicimos el amor por primera vez?
SÃ, querida.
¿Qué tal si lo hacemos otra vez?, sugiere la mujer con voz melosa.
“¡Claro que sÃ!”, acepta encantado el hombre.
Todo el tiempo que duró el acto, la esposa se estremecÃa y saltaba y gritaba todas las exclamaciones posibles. Al terminar, el esposo, asombrado, le pregunta:
“Mi amor, ¿por qué cuando lo hicimos por primera vez no gritaste ni te estremeciste tanto?”
“¡Porque hace 40 años la barda no estaba electrificada, estúpido!”
16
May
En casa del veterinario suena el teléfono a la una de la mañana:
¿S�, contesta aturdido el experto.
Detrás de la lÃnea, se escucha la voz de una anciana:
¡Por favor, necesito su ayuda: mi pobre FifÃ, que es una perrita preciooosa, está… Eh… Siendo apareada por un enooorme pastor alemán! ¡Es horriiiible, parece que se han quedado atascados o algo asÃ, y mi pooobre Fifà está aullaaaando de dolor! ¿PodrÃa usted hacer algo?
Grrrmmfs… Mire, ¿por qué no cuelga el teléfono, después lo pone al lado de una oreja del pastor alemán y yo la vuelvo a llamar en un minuto?
¿Pero eso bastará para separarles?
¡Señora, el mismo truco acaba de separarme a mà de mi esposa!
16
May
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
Oh, this is terrible, exclaims St. Peter, I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we werent expecting you, your quarters just arent ready… We cant take you in and we cant send you back.
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. Theyre ours, but we werent expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. Itll only be a couple of days. What dya say?
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!