Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Olivier!
Olivier who?
Olivier but Ive lost my key!

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

IBM: Its Better than Macintosh!

A man walks into a bar. Pretty soon another man walked into the bar. the first man asked the second Oh you didnt see it either?

A big-game hunter went on safari with his new wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, What are we going to do?

Nothing, said the hunter husband. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.

A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that shed like a medium

pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces shed like to have it cut into:

six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six please, said the blonde. I dont think I

could ever eat twelve.

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives.

The clerk behind the counter said, Oh, yes sir, they do have an ex category, but theyre in Sporting Goods.



Really?



Yes sir. Theyre called darts.

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.



AMERICAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.



FRENCH CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You go on strike because you want three cows.



JAPANESE CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.



A GERMAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION



You have two cows, but you dont know where they are… You break for lunch.



A RUSSIAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You count them and learn you have five cows.



You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.



You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.



You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.



A SWISS CORPORATION



You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.



CHINESE CORPORATION



You have two cows.



You have 300 people milking them.



You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.



A BRITISH CORPORATION



You have two cows… both are mad.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION



You have two cows… and the one on the left is kinda cute…

In The Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form

And the Plan was completely without substance and the darkness was

upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves,

saying… It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and

sayeth, It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,

It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that

none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, It is a

vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,

It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto

them, It promotes growth and is very powerful.

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,

This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of

this Company, and in these areas in particular.

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good,

and the Plan became Policy. This Is

How Shit Happens.

10. Could our relationship be more physical?? Im tired of being just friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. Its easier for me to douche that way.

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

6. Please dont throw that old T-shirt away.

The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.

5. This diamond is just way too big.

4. I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.

2. Does this make my butt look too small??

1. Im wrong, you must be right again..