Old and New Jokes

THERE WAS this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and
jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was
admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the
exception of his PENIS which he readily decided to do something about.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it
around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady.

There really is no justice in this world.

The other little old lady said, what do you mean?

The first old lady said, Look at that. . . When I was 20 I was curious about
it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50
I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it,
and now that Im 80 the damn things are growing wild–and Im too old to squat!

Really Stupid People

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear.

One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.

The brunette goes first.

I think Im the smartest woman on earth.

POOF! She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>I think Im the prettiest woman on earth.

POOF! She disappears.

The blonde goes up.

I think–

POOF!

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. Man, that guy is stupid I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and heres why.
I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. Thats 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. Thats 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, thats 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, thats 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, thats 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, thats 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing.

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldnt DREAM of flipping her off.

Un espermatozoide se encuentra perdido en el cuerpo humano. Al llegar a los pulmones les pregunta: ¿Cuál es su función?

Aquí purificamos todo el aire que entra por la nariz y la boca.

Triste, el espermatozoide prosigue su camino. Llega a los riñones y les pregunta: Señores, ¿cuál es su función?

Aquí drenamos todos los líquidos que se toman y aprovechamos los buenos; los demás los desechamos por medio de la orina.

Una vez más prosigue su camino. Llega al hígado y le pregunta: Señor, ¿cuál es su función?

Mira hijo, todos los corajes que hacen a mí me parten la madre.

Perdón señor, no se enoje, y prosigue su camino.

Ya desesperado y triste, el espermatozoide llega al corazón y le pregunta: Señor ¿cuál es su función?

Bueno, pues yo palpito…

Alegrándose, el espermatozoide le interrumpe:

Me lleva, yo voy para allá.

*** Signs that you just might have a drinking problem. ***



You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth … now THATS a drinking problem!

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.

The whole bar says Hi when you come in.

Hi ocifer. Im not under the affluence of incohol.

You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

What do you call a Mexican woman with a dropped uterus?

– cuntswaylo

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said, Im sorry, but I only have room for one poet. Ill tell you what Ill do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word Timbuctoo. The one who creates the best poem Ill let into heaven.

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view its destination: Timbuctoo.

Very good! says St. Peter, Keats its your turn. Do you think you can top that one?

Keats just smiled and started his poem: Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his

future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: You are going to meet a

beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled, This is great!

Will I meet her at a party? he croaks.

No, says the psychic, in biology class.

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in

1983.

*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patients past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.