Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
El doctor llama por teléfono a su paciente:
Le tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.
Bueno… dÃgame primero la buena.
Los resultados del análisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.
Pero bueno, ¿esa es la buena noticia? ¿entonces cuál es la mala?
Que estuve intentando localizarlo desde ayer.
Dos tribus peleaban desde hacÃa muchos años y una de ellas siempre resultaba masacrada. Un misionero decidió ayudar a la tribu más débil.
Buenos dÃas, Gran Jefe. Te voy a explicar como ganar cuando uno es el más débil.
El misionero puso la mano contra un muro y dijo: ¡Golpea!
Tras dudarlo un momento, el Jefe se decidió y envió un violento golpe. El explorador retiró rapidamente la mano y el puño del Jefe se estrelló contra el muro. El Jefe se retorció un buen rato del dolor.
¡Ves! ¡Con esta estrategia puedes vencer a tus enemigos!
El Jefe entendió la lección y convocó a todos sus guerreros.
Escúchenme, les dijo. Tengo una estrategia secreta para vencer a nuestros enemigos.
¿Cuál es esa estrategia? le preguntaron todos.
El Jefe se puso la mano delante de la cara y les dijo: ¡Golpeen!
22 de julio de 1976:
Hoy cumplo cinco años. Mi mamá me contó que cuando nacÃ, el doctor fue a la sala de espera y le dijo a mi papi: Hicimos todo lo que pudimos pero lamentablemente salió vivo.
6 de junio de 1980:
Hoy, mi madre me confesó que nunca me dejó mamar sus senos. Dice que sólo me querÃa como amigo.
12 de noviembre de 1981:
Hoy fui secuestrado. Los secuestradores me cortaron un dedo y se lo enviaron a mis padres para pedir recompensa. Mi padre les contestó que querÃa más pruebas.
25 de diciembre, Navidad de 1982:
Hoy me di cuenta que mis padres me odian. Me regalaron un juguete para que lo use en la bañera: una plancha eléctrica.
DÃa del Padre, 1983:
Le regalé una billetera y una foto mÃa a mi papá. Tomó la billetera, la abrió… y prefirió dejar la foto que vino dentro.
En un dÃa de feria, 1984:
Hoy me perdà entre la gente. Le pregunté al policÃa si creÃa que Ãbamos a encontrar a mis padres. Me contestó: No lo sé, muchacho, hay un montón de lugares donde pudieron haberse escondido.
30 de agosto, 1993:
Hoy murió mi padre. Su último deseo antes de morir fue que me sentara en sus piernas. Lo condenaron a la silla eléctrica.
3 de febrero, 1996:
Hoy renuncié a mi primer trabajo. Era en una tienda de animales. La gente no paraba de preguntarle al dueño cuanto costaba el gorila.
14 de febrero, DÃa de los Enamorados, 1996:
Hoy me llamó una chica a mi casa y me dijo: Es DÃa de los Enamorados. Ven a mi casa ahora que no hay nadie. Cuando llegué, no habÃa nadie.
15 de abril, 1998:
Hoy es el dÃa de mi boda. Estoy muy feliz. Espero que mi esposa la esté pasando bien. Está en Londres, de luna de miel, con su jefe.
26 de abril, 1998:
A mi esposa le gusta mucho hablar conmigo después del sexo. Hoy me llamó a casa desde un hotel.
27 de abril, 1998:
No aguanto la infidelidad de mi mujer. Hoy intenté suicidarme y me tomé un frasco entero de aspirinas. Me llevaron al hospital y el doctor me dijo: Para que no le vuelva a pasar tómese una cerveza con un aderezo de cianuro.
28 de abril, 1998:
Me llevaron con un psiquiatra. Él me dijo que yo estaba loco. Le respondà que querÃa escuchar una segunda opinión. De acuerdo, además de loco, usted está muy feo.
4 de mayo, 1998:
Me iba a suicidar tirándome desde la azotea de un edificio de 50 pisos. Enviaron a un sacerdote a darme unas palabras de aliento; sus palabras fueron: En sus marcas, listos…
When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his
new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a
problem with his barbecuing beef every Friday. Since they couldnt eat meat
on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they
could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over
to talk to Ole. Ole, they said, since you are the only Lutheran in this
whole town and theres not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you
should join our church and become a Catholic.
Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right.
Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it. The big day came and the
priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Oles head and said, Ole, you
were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now, he said as he
sprinkled some incense over Oles head, now you are a Catholic!
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday
evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming
from Oles yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they
approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: You were born a
beef, you were raised a beef, and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he
said, and now you are a fish!
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8
and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went
wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother
suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the
boys. The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed,
but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the
mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he
sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at
each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and
asked, Where is God?
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is
God?
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in
a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and
put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is
God?
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older
brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where
they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, We are in BIIIIG
trouble.
The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?
His brother replied, God is missing… and they think we did it.
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first."I think Im the smartest woman on earth." "POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>"I think Im the prettiest woman on earth.""POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up."I think–""POOF!"
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: What did the apple say to the orange? A: I despise you for being different from me.
A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: You have a tennis elbow.
The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom.
He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample.
After 30 seconds the printout read: Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow.