Old and New Jokes

The Yoko Club? – Oh no.

The German philosophy club? – I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club? – Pardon me?

The Arafat club? – Yessir.

The Alzheimers club? – Forget it.

The Ebert movie club? – Roger.

The Groucho Marx club? – You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club? – Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club? – Noh.

The quarterback club? – Ill pass.

The Rhett Butler club? – I dont give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club? – Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club? – Si.

The anti-perspirant club? – Sure.

The pregnancy club? – Conceivably.

The Procrastinators Club? – Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders? – They wouldnt accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society? – Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club? – Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group? – God willing!

(Read in a Turkish newspaper:)

Old west… A bar… All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and
a cowboy in black enters… Black hat, black foulard, black shirt,
black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black
pair of guns…

Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the barman, and
asks:

Do you have a bucket?

Barman runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in
black looks to the bucket, and orders:

Now, bring me three bottles of whiskey.

Seconds later:

Pour them into the bucket.

And, then:

And now, bring this to my horse outside.

The frightened and surprised barman does what the cowboy in black
tells.

He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely
in black harness. It drinks all the whiskey at once.

Then the barman returns back inside the bar. The cowboy very carefully
looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks:

What do I owe for this?

Barman, while calculating the price, asks:

Wont you drink anything?

The cowboy in black replies:

No. I dont drink and drive.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Microchip – Whats left in the bag when the normal chips are gone

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!”

Un trailero iba escuchando la radio en su trailer, cuando escucha: Interrumpimos este programa para darles una noticia muy importante. Se han visto seres extraterrestres sobrevolando esta zona. A continuación les damos sus características: son chaparros, van arrastrando las manos en el suelo, tienen las rodillas pegadas al pecho, tienen los ojos saltones y hablan muy lento.

El trailero sigue conduciendo hasta que ve algo a un lado del camino, que se parece a la descripción que acaba de oir y se detiene, se baja y empieza a hablar muy lentamente, Hola soy trailero y estoy manejando.

Entonces el otro le contesta, también muy lentamente, Hola, soy Juanito y estoy cagando.

Un día en la escuela la maestra le dice a los alumnos:

A ver niños, hagamos composiciones con las palabras. Tu, Juanito, dime una palabra con la letra D.

Diente, maestra.

Ok. Ahora, una composición.

En dientes duros no entan caries.

Perfecto, Juanito.

A ver tu Jaimito; dime una palabra con la letra E.

Jaimito piensa y piensa.

Envergadura, maestra.

Ok, Jaimito, ahora la composición.

¡En verga dura no entran dientes!

Debido a ciertos problemillas, un medico le receta a una mujer testosterona. La mujer vuelve al cabo de unas semanas.

Doctor, doctor, estoy preocupada por los efectos secundarios que me está produciendo la testosterona.

¿Qué efectos, concretamente?

Pues, para empezar, me está creciendo bastante el pelo en sitios donde nunca antes me había salido.

Eso es un efecto perfectamente normal y pasajero de la testosterona. Pero, concrete, ¿dónde, exactamente, le ha salido este pelo?

En los testículos…

Ten reasons why beer is better than religion:





1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.



2. Beer doesnt try to ruin your sex life.



3. Wars are not fought over beer.



4. They dont force beer on minors who cant think for themselves.



5. When you have a beer, you dont knock on other peoples doors trying to give it away.



6. Nobodys ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of beer.



7. You dont have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.



8. There are laws saying beer labels cant lie to you.



9. You can prove you have a beer.



10. If you become addicted to beer, there are groups to help you escape.