Old and New Jokes

The Top Ten Things Men Know About Women:

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

(ATTENTION… if you dont get it, seek help fast 🙂

Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.

One day, a woman comes to the stand, Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

I dont know, replies the stupid cashier.

The woman leaves unsatisfied.

THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!

10 cents? I will have to remember that said the cashier.

The next day, another woman comes hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?

10 cents maam

Really?, are they fresh?

I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss, having spied this screams WELL OFCOURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?

So the cashier memorizes Yes, very fresh

The next day, another woman comes and says Hey sonny, now much do those cigaretts cost?

10 cents He replies.

Are they fresh?

Very fresh

Should I buy them?

I dont know

So the woman leaves.

The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY If you dont, somebody else will OK?

ok, gotcha boss

So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun.

He goes up to the cash register and screams HEY, how much money is in that cash register? 10 cents sir

WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?

Yes, very fresh sir

SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?

If you dont, somebody else will

A penis fly trap.

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first. The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bears second turn for a wish. Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well.

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, I wish that
the bear was gay.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M AS W O R T
Plant extract that treats moms depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldnt wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now? B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who cant remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators or on airplanes. N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Un sujeto regresa con una radio de transistores al lugar donde la compró. Molesto, la tira encima del mostrador de quien se la vendió, diciendo:

¡Compadre, esta radio es una porquería!

¿Cómo dice? ¿Qué usted no quería una radio en la que se escucharan todas las emisoras?

¡Sí, pero no todas juntas!, contesta indignado

Manolo y Venancio platican en el bar:

Anoche tuve un sueño erótico.

¿Ah, sí? ¿Y qué pasaba?

Mira, había una rubia impresionante, no te la puedes ni imaginar, y va y me dice: Dame tus cuarenta centímetros de polla y haz que me duela.

¡Jo! ¿Y tú qué hiciste?

Lo que pude… La follé tres veces y luego le pegué de hostias.

Estaba Mickey Mouse en su casa con Mimí. En eso Mickey le dice a Mimí:

I want to divorce.

Mimí sorprendida le contesta:

Are u fucking crazy?

Mickey, con cara de galán, le responde:

No,I´m fucking Daisy.