Old and New Jokes

Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said,

Since were in this together, why dont I move over to your side of the cage!

The female canary replied, No, thanks!!

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,

I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why dont we get to know each other first.

To which she replied again, No, thanks!

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,

Well, could we at least talk?

This time she replied, Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, Chirpies and I hear it is untweetable.

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, Im Jesus Christ.



The first priest says, No, son, Im Jesus Christ.



So the drunk says it to the second priest.



The second priest replies, No, son, Im Jesus Christ.



The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. and walks back into the bar with the priests.



The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, youre here again?

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three

engineers buy only a single ticket.

How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked one of

the

three lawyers.

Watch and youll see, answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all

three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around

collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was

quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy

the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the

station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,

the engineers dont buy a ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket, asks one perplexed lawyer.

Watch and youll see, says one of the engineers.When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the

three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over

to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says,

Ticket, please.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sid!
Sid who!
Sid down and have a cup of tea!

After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to do modelling. On one occasion, he enters a herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears on the front page of a newspaper.

GUESS THE CAPTION !!

Laloo, third from left

Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?

A: Because it says right on it good for up to 20 pounds.

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea? A: Shall we walk or take a dog?

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washingtons ghost in
the White House. Bush asks, George, what is the best thing I could do
to help the country?

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, Washington
advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark
bedroom. Tom, W asks, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, Jefferson advises.

Bush isnt sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure
moving in the shadows. Its Abraham Lincolns ghost. Abe, what is the
best thing I could do to help the country? Bush asks.

Abe answers, Go see a play.

This is from a multi-generation xerox copy that was given to me by
someone I know. I have no idea where it came it from or if it is accurate,
but it is amusing nonetheless.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor
with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.

I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST.

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.

If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages
I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY.

I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies
travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI !

Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN.

The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.

The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have
the recipe.

[Ed: Reportedly these phrases are actually garbled Persian! ]

This man back east had a garden, and his tomatoes were being chewed on by a rat. So the man bought a trap and caught the rat.He called the humane society to come and pick up the rat (instead of just killing it) and between the time of his phone call and the humane society arriving at his home, the rat tried to crawl out of its cage. The man didnt want the rat escaping in his house, especially since his two grandchildren were there, so he took a stick and hit it 4 or 5 times, trying to get it back in the cage, and accidentally killed it.

Now heres the clincher… the humane society arrived, found out he killed the rat and issued him 2 tickets for cruelty to animals!

Can you believe this!? He did go to court and the judge threw out the case… so, valuable court time and our tax money was spent trying to convict a rat murderer!

Only in America….

Courtesy of Dateline NBC…