Old and New Jokes

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic-clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1:

They suggest I keep this exercise diary to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. Shes something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2:

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heavens sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worthwhile. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed hernias in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didnt try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I cant imagine anything worse.

Day 4:

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I cant help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word dumb must be in there for a reason. I hid in the mens room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5:

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you, Tanya: I dont have triceps. And if you dont want dents in the floor dont hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage; YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldnt it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6:

Got Tanyas message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7:

Well, thats the week. Thank God thats over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentists.

I met a guy in Las Vegas who really looked down in the dumps, and I asked him if hed been cleaned out at the casinos.

He said, Its worse than that. I blew almost all my dough, and then I was propositioned by this really great looking hooker as I was walking along the Strip.

I told her I was nearly broke, and she said, For sure youve still got a hundred bucks for a quick one, but I said, Nope – dont have near that much.

Well, how about fifty bucks for a blow job?

And I said, Nope – dont have fifty bucks left.

Well then, she says, I can let you have a hand job for $25.

And I said, Really, Id love to, but I dont even have that much left.

So she says, How about a wax job for five bucks? And I tell her Ive never heard of a wax job, but she says, Whadda ya got to lose? and we go behind a parked car in Ballys parking lot.

So, I give her the five dollars and she kicks me in the nuts so hard the wax blows out of my ears.

One day theres this blonde driving along the side of a corn field. All of a sudden she sees another blonde rowing maddly in a row boat. She stops her car and yells its blondes like you that give us a bad name and if I could swim Id come out there and kick your ass!

Two fat guys sitting in a bar. One finishes

his drink and says to the other, Your round



The other replies So are you, you fat fuck

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnels Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

22. If your idea of doing your hair is putting on a baseball cap

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can’t get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says “they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens”.

So she does and the next morning come back and says the sex was great what if I use ten?”

And the docter replied “they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens”.

So the next day she comes back and says “the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.

The next morning a little boy walks up and says. “my mother’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: What chair?

21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic



1. The Titanic is big, but it doesnt have hyperdrive.



2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.



3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.



4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.



5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge cant say, Look at the size of that thing! and really mean it.



6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.



7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters.

Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.



8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.



9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.



10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?



11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.



12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.



13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed kings of the world?



14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.



15. Nothing has the same sting as Id rather kiss a Wookie.



16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.



17. Han Solo wouldve steered clear of that stinkin iceberg!



18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who couldve anticipated, Luke….I am your father.?



19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.



20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.



21. Titanic morals:

a. gamble,

b. cheat on your husband,

c. pose nude for pictures,

d. premarital sex is OK if youre infatuated.



Star Wars morals:

a. fight evil,

b. do good,

c. respect all life even if its ugly and slithers,

d. rescue princess,

e. save planet.

A: Saliva.