Un tipo está saliendo de su departamento con una valija y se cruza con otro amigo que está entrando. Éste le pregunta:
¿Adónde vas, te vas de tu casa?
SÃ, me voy. Mi suegra me ha tratado muy mal, además, me insultó, me dijo que soy un vago, un borracho, un desgraciado, un ser inservible…
¡Ea, una cosa asà no puede ser! Mira, si a mà mi suegra me dice todo eso, yo la mato, la parto en cuatro pedazos y la tiro al rÃo.
¿Y qué cosa crees que llevo en esta valija?
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Two [ethnic] guys, Fred and Bob were walking down a street.
They saw a pile of something that sparked their interest.
Looks like shit Bob said.
Yup, yup, looks like shit. Fred answered.
Smell it, see if it smells like shit. Bob told him.
So Fred smells it and says, Yup, smells like shit.
Feel it, see if it feels like shit. Bob said.
Yup, sure feels like shit. Fred answers.
Taste it, maybe it tastes like shit. Bob told Fred.
Yup, yup. Tasted like shit. Fred said.
Well, if it looks like shit, smells like shit,
feels like shit, and tastes like shit, it must be a pile of shit.
Bob concluded.
Im sure glad we didnt step in then.
Yo mama so fat that when she volunteered to clean the cages at the zoo, people walked by and they said, Look at the big hippo!
So you want a day off. Lets take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and Ill be damned if you are going to take that day off!
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, Congratulations, sir. Youre the father of twins!
What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!
Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.
Wow! Thats incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.
An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, I dont believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!
After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job….
What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
The wrong answer.
Q: What happened when a blonde missed the Q44 bus? A: She took the Q22 twice.
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”
Theres a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:
Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?
She looks around to make sure nobodys watching, leans down, and hugs him.
The man thinks, Wow, I cant believe that worked!, and decides to try it again.
Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?
She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.
The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him!
The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?
The woman looks around to make sure nobodys watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:
There… now youre f**ked!