Old and New Jokes

Una mañana dominical, Superman decidió dar un paseo por la isla caribeña. Después de seis horas de estar recorriendo sus playas, malecón, el castillo del morro, etc. se percató de que era demasiado tranquila…

En este lugar no me necesitan para nada, me voy a Miami para ver que se les ofrece por allá.

Sin embargo, al tratar de alzarse en vuelo, siente una fuerte atraccion hacia la tierra que le impide levantarse. Inútilmente, intenta volar varias veces más.

Pensando que pudiera haber una fuente de kriptonita cercana al lugar, gira su cabeza con la finalidad de localizarla, pero grande es su sorpresa cuando se percata de que colgados de su capa se encuentran dos y medio millones de cubanos, y entonces uno de ellos le grita…

¡Dale chico, que tú puedes, dale coño…!

Un tipo lleva a una supermujer a un hotel. Después de unos tragos y bailes sensuales, éste le pide a la chica que se la chupe. Ella, que estaba recontra caliente, accede. Empieza la faena y la tipa resulta toda una Lewinsky. Mientras ella está arrodillada, él le acaricia el pelo, la cara, el cuerpo… Todo. De repente, todo el cuarto empieza a sacudirse por un fuerte terremoto que no tenía para cuando terminar. Sin pensarlo, la chica sale corriendo despavorida así como estaba.

Instantes después, el hombre, que recién había vuelto en sí, se da cuenta de lo que está ocurriendo y que en sus manos tenía las orejas de la chica. Calato, sale corriendo y le pregunta al conserje:

Oiga, ¿no ha visto a una chica corriendo sin orejas?

El conserje, medio asustado, alcanza a balbucir:

¡No, no, pero sí he visto a una chica corriendo con una pinga en la boca!

After the Second Coming Jesus returns to Earth.



Within a week he is summoned to the Job Centre and told to find a job.





He is asked to state previous work experience.





He replies that he has done a bit of fishing and some carpentry.





The Clerk checks the computer and finds two job vacancies .





Job one is #200.00 a week as a Carpenter in Birmingham .





The other is as a Fishermen in Galilee at #1,000.00 a week.





The clerk asks him which job he wants to apply for.





After much thought Jesus replies the Birmingham one.





The Clerk tells him again the difference in pay.





He asks him why he doesnt want the Galilee job.





He sighs and says.





I worked in Galilee once and was hammered with tax (tacks).





Only joking …dont get cross.

A blonde was at dance class learning how to do the splits. Her instructor said that she had to open her legs wide.

She replied, Im free Friday night, so you can meet me at the motel.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

When people say Marx, you think Groucho.

There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands.

He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet.

He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog.

It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.

He cuts off another leg.

Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet.

He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesnt move an inch.

So the scientist writes in his book…

Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the Atlantic Monthly:

At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.

By then, the cold is probably cured.

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 oclock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldnt wait any longer. It was 4 oclock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal.
 
A rehearsal? his buddy asks, Dont you mean a performance?
 

 
No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes.
 

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.

Youve been on overtime almost a year,

And since you are gone, till way late at night

A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please dont be a fool,

Working this overtime is wasting your tool.

For better it is, to be poor all your life,

Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,

But now every night youre no where to be seen

You come home from work just able to creep,

I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,

Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,

I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,

Ive played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,

So Ill find me a man who works eight hours a day,

And while youre on O.T., well proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,

For which there is no pardon, and never has been,

And that is a man whos so foolish and mean,

That he gives up his fucking to run a machine.