Old and New Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano.

The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, Whats in the bag?

The man pulls out a genie lamp.

The guy says, Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?

The man says, I dont know. Rub the lamp and see.

So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, You may have one wish.

The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says, Your wish is granted, and goes back into the genie bottle.

Just then one million ducks walk into the bar.

The guy says, I didnt wish for a million ducks.

The man replies, Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist.

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.The man thought for a moment and said, I would like the following three things to happen this year — The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.

Saturday
1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.
3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before daylight.
4:00 A.M. Set up camp—forgot the sleeping tent.
4:30 A.M. Head into woods.
6:05 A.M. See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. “CLICK”
6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. Realize you dont know where camp is.
NOON Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets—eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. Load gun—leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel thats bugging you.
6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.
6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.
6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. Change clothes—throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.
6:37 P.M. fire gun—blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants.
6:39 P.M. Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday
Following church services, watch ball game on T.V., slowly tear hunting license into pieces, place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising God never to hunt again.

You might be a redneck if youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws!

Reported as a true story:

When youre on reserve with an airline, you fly when they tell you
to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing
or missing an assigned trip.

This captain gets an A for his creativity in avoiding an assignment.
When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M.
departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud
enough for them to hear on the other end, Here, darling, I think its
someone calling for your husband.

Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period.

From the book Cabin Pressure by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro
Copyright 1989 St. Martins Press Reproduced with permission of the authors.
All typos and any inaccuracies are the fault of the submitter,
not Harwell and Spiro.

After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.

Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money.

The agent replies, Whoa there, just a minute. It doesnt work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent, Id like to cancel the policy on my husband.

What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?

Look what Marma-Lade!!

5 year old to mother: Mammy, where
do I come from?

Mother: You were found under a
gooseberry bush.

Little Girl: Do many people know
that Daddys impotent?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know youre telling the truth?

Va marta desesperada al doctor. Ya en la consulta le dice:

¡Doctor, doctor tiene que ayudarme!

Está bien, señora marta ¿qué pasa?

Cada vez que con mi marido vamos a haser el amor, a él le da por chuparme la teta, y al final no follamos nada.

Bueno, para la próxima vez que se acuesten úntese queso en la punta de sus senos, así va a tener un sabor agrio y no va a querer chupar.

Se va Marta a su casa dispuesta a seguir el consejo, pero al otro día llega de nuevo al consultorio y le dice al doctor:

Doctor, mi marido está peor que antes.

¿Pero por qué?

¡Porque ahora además de chuparme la teta viene con leche y galletitas!