Old and New Jokes

A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket…

The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, Im a cute looking blonde and Im flying first class.

The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta….

The blonde then retorts, Im a cute blonde and Im flying first class.

Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening….

The blonde tells him, Im a cute blonde and Im flying first class….

The captain whispers in her ear…and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin…

The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..

He replied, I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.

La Madre Superiora estaba entrevistando a una de sus monjas que había decidido dejar el convento.

¿Y qué vas a hacer de hoy en adelante?

Quiero volverme una prostituta.

¿UNA QUEEE? ¿Qué fue lo que dijiste?

Dije que quiero volverme una prostituta.

¡Oh, gracias a Dios! Pensé que habías dicho una protestante.

Un niño entra al consultorio de un ginecólogo y, ante la sorpresa de la secretaria, pide hablar con el médico.

La secretaria le explica que ese médico, en especial, sólo atendía a señoras, y que seguramente se había equivocado. El niño insiste de tal manera, que a la secretaria no le queda otro remedio que decirle al médico lo que ocurría, y éste, por curiosidad, lo hace pasar al consultorio.

Una vez adentro el niño le pregunta: ¿doctor, una mujer de 5 años puede quedar embarazada?

El médico con una sonrisa le responde que no. El niño insiste nuevamente: ¿está Ud. seguro, doctor?

Cansado por tanta insistencia del niño le responde: yo soy médico y te garantizo con total seguridad que lo que me preguntas es imposible.

A lo que el niño responde: ¡hija de puta!

Extrañado, el facultativo le pregunta: ¿por qué dices eso?

Esta guacha, con el cuento del aborto, me hizo vender el triciclo, responde el infante.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?



3. Did I mention the video camera?



4. Do you smell something burning?



5. (in a janitors closet) And they say romance is dead…



6. Try breathing through your nose.



7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!



8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?



9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?



10. But whipped cream makes me break out.



11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?



Person 2: Yeah.. today



12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!



13. Can you please pass me the remote control?



14. Do you accept Visa?



15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ



16. On second thought, lets turn off the lights.



17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!



18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.



19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?



20. Hope youre as good looking when Im sober…



21. (holding a banana) Its just a little trick I learned at the zoo!



22. Do you get any premium movie channels?



23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!



24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!



25. Got any penicillin?



26. But I just brushed my teeth…



27. Smile, youre on Candid Camera!



28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!



29. I want a baby!



30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!



31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?



32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…



33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?



34. I think you have it on backwards.



35. When is this supposed to feel good?



36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!



37. Youre good enough to do this for a living!



38. Is that blood on the headboard?



39. Did I remember to take my pill?



40. Are you sure I dont know you from somewhere?



41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…



42. That leak better be from the waterbed!



43. I told you it wouldnt work without batteries!



44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..



45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?



46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance…



47. No, really… I do this part better myself!



48. Its nice being in bed with a woman I dont have to inflate!



49. This would be more fun with a few more people…



50. Youre almost as good as my ex!



51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?



52. That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?



53. You look younger than you feel.



54. Perhaps youre just out of practice.



55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!



56. Theyre not cracker crumbs, its just a rash.



57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…



58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?



59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.



60. What tampon?



61. Have you ever considered liposuction?



62. And to think, I didnt even have to buy you dinner!



63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?



64. I have a confession…



65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!



66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?



67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?



68. Is that a hanging sculpture?



69. Youll stil vote for me, wont you?



70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?



71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!



72. Did you come yet, dear?



73. Ill tell you who Im fanatasizing about if you tell me who youre fantasizingabout…



74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!



75. Does this count as a date?



76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!



77. Hic! I need another beer for this please



78. I think biting is romantic- dont you?



79. Q: You can cook, too right?



A: (Whaddaya think Im doin?)



80. When would you like to meet my parents?



81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…



Woman: Yourself?



82. Have you seen Fatal Attraction?



83. Sorry about the name tags, Im not very good with names.



84. Dont mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.



85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?



86. I hope I didnt forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?



87. Dont worry, my dogs really friendly for a Doberman.



88. Sorry but I dont do toes!



89. You could at least ACT like youre enjoying it!



90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!



91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…



92. Ill bet you didnt know I work for The Enquirer.



93. So thats why they call you MR. Flash!



94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!



95. Is this a sin too?



96. Ive slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!



97. Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?



98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…



99. Please understand that Im only doing this for a raise…



100. How long do you plan to be almost there?



101. You mean youre NOT my blind date?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Custer!
Custer who?
Custer a penny to find out!

A man was walking on a highway when he discovered a genie lamp.
He rubbed it and a genie came out and said,I will grant you one wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, Well, I never have gone to Hawaii because I never could afford it. Could you make a highway from here to Hawaii so I could just drive over anytime?
The genie sighed and said, Man, I have been in this genie business for 10,000 years. I am quite tired. Cant you think of something a little more simple?
The man thought and said, Well, you know, I have been married to my wife for 5 years now but I still cant understand her. Can you make it so I can understand her from now on?
The genie sighed again and said, Two lanes or four?

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate Americas recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:

Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:

Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is:

Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is:

Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is:

Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is:

Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!

Old is when…

…your sweetie says, Lets go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Honey, I cant do both!

…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and youre

barefoot.

…a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage

door nearest your car.

…you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

…going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

…you dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont

have to go along.

…when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

…when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the

police.

…getting a little action means I dont need to take any fiber today.

…getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

… an all nighter means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to

every man. Isnt that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.

What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

You know youre a redneck when… you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.