Old and New Jokes

How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to
drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day? No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils ready. And lets keep our eyes on our own papers, people.

Section One: Mathematics

For each problem, estimate the total number of times
this phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points per question)

I dont care what the other kids get to do.
… and this time I really mean it.
Somebodys going to get hurt doing that.
See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
Now were REALLY going to be late.
One … Im counting … two … Im counting …
Because Im the Mommy (Daddy).
Lets not discuss that at the dinner table.
Why is your brother (sister) crying?
Okay … but only five more minutes.

Section Two: Fill in the Blank

Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)

Tickle Me ____________.
101 _________________.
The Berenstain _________.
Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
_______________ Nuggets.
_______________ Meals.
Please wont you be my _____________?

Section Three: Matching

Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).

Amoxicillin
Legos
Pull-Ups
Push-Ups
Tubes

Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
Either a recreational device originally developed for hamsters, but since
adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is placed in ears when Letter C fails.
A pink substance which is usually a regular part of a toddlers diet.
A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary
for a few more weeks.

Section Four: Problem Solving

Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)

It is 8:50 a.m. School starts at 9 a.m. Where are your car keys?
She says that he started it. He says she started it. Whos right?
You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large
packages, two very small children, zero very close parking places,
and one frazzled parent. How will you accomplish this?
At 7 p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts
with Carl, and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman
maneuvers, how will this be done?

Section Five: Essay
Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)

Which of the Big Vs has made a bigger contribution to parenting:
Vacuum cleaners, Velcro, or the VCR?

WOMEN

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MEN

Go to auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to auto parts store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
Clean up.
Have another beer while oil is draining.
Look for oil filter wrench.
Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floor board in reaction.
Begin cussing fit.
Throw wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.
Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
Beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
Drive car

Thanks to Mary Campbell

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by know!

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They havent had any brains for the last thirty years.

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, Ive got to take you in, sir. Youre obviously drunk

The wasted wino asked, Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure Im drunk?

Yeah, buddy, Im sure, said the copper. Lets go.

Obviously relieved, the wino said Thats a relief – I thought I was a cripple.

Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do.

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, I wonder if its magic. I think Ill rub it and find out.

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, Im your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, Give me a million dollars. So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the one condition.

Next the man said, Id like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast. So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.

Un granjero y su joven esposa vivían en el campo y un cura los visitaba de vez en cuando y ellos lo invitaban a cenar un caldo de gallina.

Esto siguió por algún tiempo y el cura empezó a ir prácticamente todos los días. El granjero tenía que irse a trabajar en el campo mientras el cura acompañaba a la joven esposa, y cada vez que el granjero regresaba, su esposa le pedía que matara una gallina para la cena.

Después de un duro día de trabajo el granjero estaba metiendo el tractor al granero cuando su esposa se asomó a la puerta de la casa y le gritó que le llevara una gallina para que pudiera cocinársela al cura. El granjero, que ya no aguantaba al sacerdote, gritó: ¡A joder con el curita!

A lo que la joven esposa replicó: Eso ya lo hice, pero de todos modos necesito la gallina.

Two Irishmen are the only survivors in a shipwreck.Floating helplessly in a lifeboat they come across a lamp floating in the ocean. Paddy reaches out and grabs the lamp and after rubbing it a genie appears. The genie immediately says you are granted one wish. Paddy and Mickey both look at each other in astonishment then Paddy yells make the whole ocean into the best tasting beer ever. With the clap of his hands and a thunderous crash the ocean becomes the finest brew known to man.With the suds gently lapping against the sides of the boat,Mickey with an angry roar yells Oh! Thats great.Now we have to piss in the boat!

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, Youve lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.

The cat thinks for a minute and says Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor… The Lord stops the cat and says Say no more! Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: All of our lives weve been chased. Weve had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmers wife with her broom. Were tired of running… Say no more! The Lord replies. In a flash, eachmouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, How are things since you got here?

The cat stretches, yawns, and replies Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels youve been sending are the BEST!!!