Old and New Jokes

So the man goes to the doctor and says I have a rash on my penis.Does it burn? asks the doctor.I dont know, says the man, I never tried to light it.

CARSON CITY, Nev., Dec. 23 (UPI) – A legal brothel outside Carson City, Nev. is offering first-time elected officials a 99 percent discount to help them avoid the kind of scandal that could cost Bill Clinton the presidency.

Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunnyranch, says his longtime clientele includes a number of prominent U.S. senators and congressmen who dont want to risk their political careers by having extra-marital sex with women who blab. The brothel promises strict confidentiality.

Hof said today he persuaded his employees, who are independent contractors, to go along with the offer, which expires when Clintons Senate impeachment trial ends.

He got the idea while attending a Christmas party thrown by publisher Larry Flynt.

The Hustler publisher announced last week that he had uncovered evidence of extramarital affairs by several GOP congressmen, and planned to publish it.

Hof said, Whats this world come to when Larry Flynt is now the congressional morality policeman? I mean, I love Larry, but come on.

Hof, a self-described staunch Republican, said, I didnt vote for Bill Clinton, but the right-wing Republicans are going to such extremes, its making me crazy. Larry did the right thing.

Since the discount offer was made public last week, Hof said he had fielded seven or eight calls a day from reporters and has received a few calls from people claiming to represent unnamed elected officials.

But they have been very cautious not to identify themselves, so we dont know whether they are playing around or are people from the state Legislature.

He goes online and asks if he should fix his lightbulb and waits in the dark for the results to come.

IBM: I Believe in Memorex

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.

Well done Roland, says the teacher. Can anyone else try?

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, My Gran says theres a bug going round and its contagious.

Well done, Katie, says the teacher. Anyone else?

Little Johnny jumps up and says, Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.

En una familia de color, estaba el pequeño de la casa trasteando en la cocina mientras su madre cocinaba. En eso, tira el recipiente de la harina y ésta le cae encima, dejándolo totalmente blanco. El niño se va a mirar a un espejo y, al verse blanco, va corriendo a decírselo a su madre:

Mamá, mamá, soy blanco.

¡Niño, vete a darle mal a tu padre que estoy cocinando!, le grita la madre.

Papá, papá, soy blanco.

¡Lárgate de aquí que estoy viendo el fútbol, vete con tu hermana!

Mira, me he vuelto blanco, se exhibe con la hermana.

¿Pero no ves que estoy hablando por teléfono? ¡Déjame en paz!

Total que el niño se marcha cabreado gruñendo:

¡Joder, llevo 5 minutos siendo blanco, y ya odio a los negros!

Hello.

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?



Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.



Were a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.



We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never cured, you most certainly can recover.



We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you: 1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope youll receive a reply one day from a company youll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where youd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?



If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETESSAKE.



Were here, were free, and were confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.



Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

Ya mamma is so skinny that when she ate a meatball she thought she was pregnant.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Paula!
Paula who?
Paula up the door handle will you and let me in!

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husbands loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep.
"Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "Thats correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, Im going to break it in half!"