Old and New Jokes

If you think the problem is bad now. . .

just wait until weve solved it.

Q: What is the difference between snowman and snowwoman?

A: Snowballs.

The first is Smurf Sex.

This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.

This is at the beginning of the marriage; youll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.

Youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.

This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is

taking all of her background information and asks her, Do you have

grounds for a divorce?

To which she replies, Well, we have three acres.

No, maam. What I mean is, does he beat you up? asks the attorney.

No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00, she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, Lady, tell me, do you

have a grudge?

Looking very confident she states, No, we have a carport.

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, Look, Lady.

Why the heck do you want a divorce?

Because he cant hold an intelligent conversation!

From Thats Life, by Edward Dolnick in The Atlantic,
January, 1990, reviewing a newsletter called View from the
Ledge, which is produced by one Chuck Shepherd:

Long before Robert Borks name was well known, for
example, Bork had surfaced in View from the Ledge.
The Civil Rights Act routinely has been interpreted
to prohibit sexual harassment of employees,
Shepherd wrote in 1985, but Judge Robert Bork of
the US Court of Appeals . . . now reports that his
court says only such harassment by heterosexuals and
homosexuals is covered–but not that by bisexual
employers, who in theory do not discriminate among
their targets on the basis of gender.

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day theres an accident.

Pat calls Mikes wife, Mary, and says: Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but theres been an accident down at the Guinness.

Saints Preserve us, says she, is Mike alright?

Pat responds, Id like to tell ya that, but itd be a lie!

Ya dont mean that me Mikes been hurt? says Mary.

Sure, an its worse than that, says Pat, hes fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!

Oh, well says Mary, At least it was quick, ya know he couldnt swim a lick!

Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that, says Pat, but its be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!

SEX(1) EUNUCH Programmers Manual SEX(1)

NAME
sex – have sex

SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] … [ username ] …

DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B<animal>
bestiality with <animal>
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d<file>
get a date with the features described in <file>
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, maam)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment

BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.

MAN AUTHOUR
Sean Philip Engelson (spe@cad) at Carnegie-Mellon University

HISTORY
Oldest program ever.

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

Renounce Satan! yelled Father Sullivan.

No!, said the dying man.

I say, renounce the devil and his works!

No way!, the man repeats.

And why, in the name of all that is holy, not? asks Father Murphy.

Because, said the dying man…

I want to wait until I see where Im heading before I start pissing anyone off!

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didnt want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. No, the inmate said, just get it over with. Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go? said the guard. You didnt even want a special last meal! The inmate thought. Actually, he said, Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions. The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, One billion bottles of beer on the wall…

A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women dont seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

Excuse me, he says, taking the guy aside, but Ive been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just cant seem to get anywhere with them. Youre French. You know these women. What do they want?

Maybe I can help a leetle beet, says the Frenchman. What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way.

Wow! Thanks! says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman. Im sorry to bother you again, he says, but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still havent been able to meet a girl.

Okay, says the Frenchman, I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way.

Thanks! says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he cant take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

Look, he says, I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach– and still nothing! What more can I do?

Well, says the Frenchman, maybe I can help you a leetle beet.

Why dont you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?