Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The Hasidic Jew replied, Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

Theres this old man in a nursing home and hes hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says, How about a quickie for twenty bucks?

She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says, You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks.

In reply, the nurse says, If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!

Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother?

Ten ways to annoy the person in the next toilet…

1. Grunt and strain really loudly for 30 seconds and then drop a rock melon into the bowl from a height of 2 m. Release a relaxed sigh.

2. Fill up a large flask with pumpkin soup. Squirt it erratically under the wall of your neighbor while yelling, Whoa! Easy big boy!

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under your neighbor’s wall. Then say, Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?

5. Say, Cmon Mr Happy, dont fall asleep on me!

6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.

7. Say, Damn, this waters cold.

8. Say, Hmm, Ive never seen that color before.

9. Say, Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.

10. Drop a marble and say, Oh shit, my glass eye.

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. The one on the left costs $500, says the store owner. Why so much? asks the customer.



Because it can program in C, answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology.



The startled man then asks about the third monkey. That one costs $3000, answers the store owner.



3000 dollars!! exclaims the man. What can that one do? To which the owner replies, To be honest, Ive never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant.

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”



“Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.”



“That’s nothing said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”

An asian walks up to a jew waiting at a bus stop and says ,can you tell me when the next bus is due.


The jew says ten minutes time you mother fukka.

This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits. He said what the hell are you doing.

She said she was unhappy about the size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. But it really doesnt seem to be working she said.

The husband said wait a minute I have an idea. So he went into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits.

She said what are you doing?

He said well, I figured you have been wiping your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten!

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally
one club and two balls)
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well
formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment
for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a
private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
careful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course.
Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the
rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer
to continue to play several different courses.