Old and New Jokes

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing
all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the mans work, saying, May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, its like a completely different place — the
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is
plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows. Amazing! the preacher says. Look what God and you have
accomplished together!

Yes, reverend, says the farmer, but remember what the farm
was like when God was working it alone!

If you make something idiot-proof, someone, somewhere,
will make a better idiot.

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Little Johnny asked his dad what a vagina looks like. His dad said, Well Johnny, before sex it looks like a nice beautiful rose.

Little Johnny asked his dad, Well, then what does it look like after sex?

His dad replied, Well Johnny, have your ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?

Two nuns were out for a walk when two rapists jumped out of the bushes and attacked them.

After a few moments, one nun cried out, Lord, forgive them, they know not what they do.

The other nun said, Well, I dont know about yours, but this one…

There was a Mississippi redneck and a Louisiana Cajun, fishing on their respective sides of the Mississippi river.

Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the Cajun was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, Buddy, Id sure like to be on your side of the river!

Aight, tell ya whut, Ill shine my flashlight cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light! the redneck yelled back.

The Cajun replied, Haint no way, buddy. I know you think Im a fool! When I get halfway cross, youll turn your flashlight off!

… marches straight up to the counter and says, Hi… You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. Id really rather have a job.The social worker behind the counter says, Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. Youll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but hell supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. Youll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. Youll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.The guy, wide-eyed, says, Youre bullsh***n me!The social worker says, Yeah, well… you started it.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

A: The bucket.

Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Ones a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

I wrote these for our campus humor paper before Christmas break. Some are
UCSD specific, like our new rule banning fighting words. Some were written
before Romania revolted. And some might be offensive. Bearing that in
mind…

The first arrest under the new fighting words policy was made. A
reggae group performing in the Price Center was arrested after singing a song
calling for the end to apartheid in South Africa and whipping up student
fervor. A spokesperson for the police said that the Regents could not tolerate
anyone claiming the world wasnt as kind and gentle as President Bush had
officially declared it was.

The federal government completed the phasing out of lobbying in Congress,
calling it a serious breach of democracy and not in the best interests of the
nation. It will be replaced by a series of public auctions where both
senators and representatives votes will be sold to the highest bidder.
Already, most big businesses and many organized religions have applied for
bidding privileges, gearing up to purchase votes for the bill that is now
before Congress: whether to indict Senator Alan Cranston for ethics
violations.

The FBI, using its new authority to arrest criminals around the world
without the host countrys consent, descended on Mexico last week. They
arrested a Mexican national for possession of one joint, and under the America
zero tolerance law, confiscated the entire country. President Salinas lashed
out at the FBIs action, calling it an unjustifiable breach of international
law, but an FBI spokesman told Salinas to shut up and finish scrubbing out the
lavatory.

President Bush harshly denounced the Communist governments still holding
out against reform. He criticized their violent suppression of political
demonstrations and food riots, saying that police force should not be used to
solve social problems. He stressed the importance of helping people to reform,
rather than sentencing them to unprofitable incarceration. He then excused
himself to attend a War On Drugs rally.

More news later from Koala News, UCSDs news leaders.