Old and New Jokes

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

–Responsibility makes me nervous.

–They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.

Couldnt work under those conditions.

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

–Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

–I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

–The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

–While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

–I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

–Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

–My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

–I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

–Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

–Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

–Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

–Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.

–Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

–Im a rabid typist.

–Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, Have you been fooling around on me? The wife just smiled sweetly and said, Not this time.

The years of peak mental activity are surely between age four and

18.

At four, we know all the questions; at eighteen, all the answers.

Dos locos estaban enojados el uno con el otro. Un día, uno de ellos fue a visitar al otro; al llegar, toca la puerta. Detrás se escucha:

¿Quién?

Yo.

No hay nadie, contesta molesto al saber quien era.

¡Qué bueno, porque yo tampoco vine!

Did you here about the new dog breed of dog?
Its a cross between a Pittbull and a Collie.
First it bites off your leg, and then it runs for help.

If you think the problem is bad now. . .

just wait until weve solved it.

Q: What is the difference between snowman and snowwoman?

A: Snowballs.

The first is Smurf Sex.

This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.

This is at the beginning of the marriage; youll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.

Youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.

This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is

taking all of her background information and asks her, Do you have

grounds for a divorce?

To which she replies, Well, we have three acres.

No, maam. What I mean is, does he beat you up? asks the attorney.

No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00, she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, Lady, tell me, do you

have a grudge?

Looking very confident she states, No, we have a carport.

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, Look, Lady.

Why the heck do you want a divorce?

Because he cant hold an intelligent conversation!

From Thats Life, by Edward Dolnick in The Atlantic,
January, 1990, reviewing a newsletter called View from the
Ledge, which is produced by one Chuck Shepherd:

Long before Robert Borks name was well known, for
example, Bork had surfaced in View from the Ledge.
The Civil Rights Act routinely has been interpreted
to prohibit sexual harassment of employees,
Shepherd wrote in 1985, but Judge Robert Bork of
the US Court of Appeals . . . now reports that his
court says only such harassment by heterosexuals and
homosexuals is covered–but not that by bisexual
employers, who in theory do not discriminate among
their targets on the basis of gender.