Old and New Jokes

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, I sure would like to go to Disneyland. George said, No problem. Ill take you there on Air Force One.

The second kid said, I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordans. George said, Ill get them for you and even have Michael sign them!

The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!! George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, But you dont look like you are injured. The kid says, I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!

One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor.He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As hesdriving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the oppositedirection. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take thepenguins to the zoo for me!""Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now Im taking them to the movies!"

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldnt have fit."

A man runs into the vets office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dogs body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dogs body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "Im sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650.""$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man…."Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, Thats really nice after all of these years youve been married to keep saying those little pet names.

The host said, Well, honestly, Ive forgotten her name.

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.

What was in the envelopes? her friends asked.

The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for anice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.

And the third envelope? asked her friends.

The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone.

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…

So, do you like my stone? showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

A couple returned from their honeymoon and its obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The grooms best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.



Well, replied the man when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.



Oh, you shouldnt worry about that too much, said his friend. Im sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she cant expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!



The groom nodded gently and said, I dont know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!

An elderly economics professor is standing at the shallow end of the campus pool. A Coed is standing at the deep end taking pictures.

She suddenly drops the camera into the pool. Then she motions for the professor to come to her. He goes and she asks him to retrieve the camera.

He agrees and dives in and retrieve its.

Upon returning he says to her, Why did you ask me to retrieve the camera when there were many younger and more athletic males closer to her?

She replied, Professor you seem to forget that Im in your Econ I class, and I dont know anyone who can go down deeper, stay down longer and come up drier than you.

Im sick!
Then you better stay home from school. she says.
No, mom! Im SICK! he says
THEN STAY HOME FROM SCHOOL! she yells.No, Im sick. As in tight. As in bad. As in phat. he bragsWHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? she yellsIm….cool. he says.There, now you realize why your new slang is so stupid. It confuses the human race. she grumbles.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Isaac!
Isaac who?
Isaacly who do think this is?