Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if your wife wears the same underwear as you do.

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.
He rushes to the scene where he discovers a mans body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.
A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: It looks like hes topped himself.

HOW LONG DID PRESIDENT BUSH STAY IN THE ARMY? HE HEARD THE FIRST GUN SHOT AND HEADED TO THE BUS STATION

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon.



The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun dont shine.



As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. Thats quite an unusual ritual.



Yep, replied the cowboy. I got me some bad chapped lips.



And that cures them? asked the townsman.



Nope, but it keeps me from lickin em.

PC 370.00

A Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys

370.01.01 Any person with a valid California State Rodent or Snake
hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and
sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.01.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.01.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If
an attorney IS accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney
should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the
nearest car wash.

370.01.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power
boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.01.05 It is unlawful to shout, WHIPLASH, AMBULANCE, or FREE
SCOTCH
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

370.01.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes
or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

370.01.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms,law
libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals, or brothels.

370.01.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have
a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.01.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,
accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose
of hunting attorneys.

370.02. Bag Limits per day:

yellow-bellied sidewinders 2
two-faced tortfeasors 1
back-stabbing divorce litigators 3
horn-rimmed cut-throats 2
minutiae-advocating vultures 4
honest attorneys protected (endangered species)

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mickey!
Mickey who?
Mickey is lost so thats why Im knocking!

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. Im going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the womans doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, Why, God, why now? After all Ive been through, how could you do this to me?

From up above, there came a voice, Sorry. I didnt not recoginize you.

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a

shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, Im the toughest mouse in this city. Im so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee — just for an extra jolt to start off each day.

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey —

throws his glass on the floor and says, Im the toughest mouse in this city. Im so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet — then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. Its all part of my morning routine.

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says…

Ive had enough of you two. Im going to go home and screw the cat!

Mary had a little sheep
With this sheep
She went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb.