Old and New Jokes

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, Whats the matter, baby?

Pinocchios girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, Youre probably the best guy Ive ever met– but every time we make love, you give me splinters.

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto suggested that sandpaper might be able to smooth out Pinocchios relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchios graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchios problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls.

To which Pinocchios replied, GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS???

Había 2 borrachos en un bar y estaban transmitiendo un concurso de trajes de baño por televisión.

Sale la primera concursante y uno de los borrachos dice, ¡qué porquería!

Sale la segunda, la tercera, la cuarta, la quinta y el borracho siempre decía lo mismo: ¡qué porquería!

El otro borracho no pudo aguantar más y le dice, Tu estás loco, mira para allá como están de buenas esas mujeres y tu dices que porquería.

Sí, que porquería, ¡que porquería la que tengo yo en casa!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Disguise!
Disguise who?
Disguise the limit!

One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a check. There was a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady.

The kid could not help but notice her size. Dad look at her! She is so huge!!!

The father replied, Be quiet! You must be polite and dont hurt her feelings.

The kid persisted, But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!!!

The father, rather embarassed, said, Stop it or Ill take you outside!!!

Just about then the ladys pager goes off … beep… beep… beep…

The kid screams Dad look out!!! Shes backing up!!!

A
man and a woman, who have never met before,

find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room

on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed

and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and
fell

asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the
lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman
saying,

"Maam, Im sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to reach into the

closet to get me a second blanket? Im awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just
for tonight, lets

pretend that were married." "Wow! Thats
a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking
blanket!"

Fun things to do in space or during an abduction or alien encounter:

By Paul Maddox

Pee everywhere. That stuff is messy in zero gravity.
Push heaps of buttons on the control panel of the mothership.
Find biosamples from other planets and let them roam free.
Cough a lot. (haha the aliens probably dont have the right antibodies to stop the virus from killing them – hahaha)
Pretend to be dead, then when they get close, scream in their face.
Call them names. (eg. Fathead, Bug-eyes etc.)
Play in the airlock.
If theyre studying you, make cow noises.
Go space-debris-shooting with the Ion Cannon.
Step on their feet.

After a hot, hard days work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied Theres one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said I named mine Nike…like you know…just go for it!

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said I got one…Secret. The bartender said Why Secret? Joe said Well…its strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. Reverend, she said, I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What should I do?



I have an idea, said the minister. Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.



In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. And who made the ultimate sacrifice you? he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. Jesus! Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones, said the minister.



Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.Who is your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. God!



Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin Right again, said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.



As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.



The minister asked, And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son? Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and Ill break it in half and shove it up your ass! Amen, replied the congregation.

Whats the difference between a slut and a bitch?

Patient walks into a doctors office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next!