Old and New Jokes

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Musee dOrsay. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,

BC recently was faced with a unique problem.



A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.



Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.



Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.



To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.



He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.



Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.



One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse — a very long shot — won the race.



Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.



Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated.



As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.



He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priests blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. rue to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.



Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, What happened, Father? All day you blessed the horses and they won. The last, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now Ive lost my savings, thanks to you!!



The priest nodded wisely and said, Thats the problem with you Protestants… you cant tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.

There was this woman who went to the doctors cause she was complaining that sex with her husband wasnt up to par. So the doctor recommended some sex pills and told her to give him one, have sex that night and come back to him with the results.



The next morning she went back to the doctors and said Well, the sex was much better but to tell you the truth it could be alot better. So the doctor said, Give him him three tonight and come back to me with the results



So she did that and the next morning she told him about her experience but said the same thing. The sex can really be better, Doctor. So the Doctor said What the hell, give your husband the whole bottle.



The next morning a little boy came into the doctors office and the doctor asked if he could help him. Im the son of the lady you gave those pills to. Oh, yes. How did they work? asked the doctor.



Well, my moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dads laying on the couch saying Here Kitty, Kitty.

Q: Why cant Miss Piggy count to 70?

A: Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

A young jewish boy was doing very poorly in school, especially in mathematics. So, his father, after much deliberation, decided to send him to a catholic school because hed heard that they were very good. For three months, the father didnt see much of the son because he was always studying. On his first report card, he got all as. His dad was mystified by the incredibly excellent results and asked his son how it could be that he was doing so well. Hed expected improvement but this was really quite amazing! His son replied well, I really knew they meant business that very first day when i walked into the classroom and they had that guy nailed to the plus sign!

Q: Whats the difference between sin and shame?



A: It is a sin to put it in, but its a shame to pull it out.





Q: Whats the speed limit of sex?



A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.





Q: Whats the ultimate rejection?



A: When youre masturbating and your hand falls asleep.





Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?



A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchios face, and moaning, Lie to me!





Q: Why is air a lot like sex?



A: Because its no big deal unless youre not getting any.





Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?



A: K9P.





Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?



A: How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.





Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?



A: If youre Eveready, Im Frito Lay.





Q: Whats another name for pickled bread?



A: Dill-dough

The one you want is never the one on sale.

Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighbors car!

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. Where are you
going? he asked.

To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men
that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
What do you think you are doing? she screamed.

Going to Las Vegas
with you… I want to see how you live on $800 a year!