Old and New Jokes

Yo Mamas so fat that she had to get baptized at Sea World.

More commonly known as gangsta lingo

Afford
I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for afford.

Anus
The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be looking for the two guys
that held up the liquor store and we said – anus.

Assert
On the way home from work, I always take assert so my old lady dont smell
liquor on my breath.

Baghdad
I always wondered what was in the Baghdad use to drink out of when he was
sitting on the front porch.

Battery
The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start swinging the battery wont
be in the line up tomorrow.

Beware
I asked the man at the employment office, is this beware I find be a job?

Button
My girlfriend Juanita bought some leopard skin stretch pants. I said girl,
you wont get you button em.

Catacomb
I went to the Douglas/Hollyfield fight and sat next to Don King: man,
someone oughta get that catacomb.

Clothesline
When I came home late again, I found my clothesline on the porch.

Coatroom
The judge said, one more outburst like that and Ill have the bailiff clear
the coatroom.

Connoisseur
I says to my friend Ramone, man you really stink today, what connoisseur did
you crawl out of?

Copulate
I called 911 and an hour later when they showed up, I said copulate.

Data
At my basketball game the other night, I score a triple double and my coach
said data boy Darnell.

Decide
My favorite girls are Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep a couple on
decide.

Derange
Derange is where the deer and the antelope play.

Dimension
A lot of you ladies been calling in wondering what Darnell look like. Well,
hes tall, dark, handsome, not dimension hung like a horse.

Disappointment
My parole officer told me, if I miss disappointment, hes going to send me
back to the big house.

Fascinate
My sister Wolanda bought a sweater with ten buttons on it, but her tits are
so big, she can only fascinate.

Foreclose
If I dont pay my alimony this month, Ill have more money foreclose.

Formaldehyde
The police came to my door looking for my cousin Melvin. I told them there
aint no place formaldehyde in the house, it be too small.

Fortify
I asked this bitch down on 6 Mile – How much? She said fortify dollars,
honey.

Homo
The bitch Im living with called me at the bar the other night. She said
Darnell, honey, are you coming homo what?

Honor
At our rape trial the judge asked my buddy Jarvis, who be honor?

Horde
My mama always did have a bad reputation cause she horde around in her
school.

Income
My girlfriend and I just got into bed, when income my wife.

July
After the trial, my mama asked me, did you tell the truth or July?

Letter
The ugly bitch downstairs came knocking on Darnells door the other night
and I wouldnt letter in.

Manual
I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you keep messing
with that hoe.

Menstruate
With the fashions today you cant keep the women and menstruate.

Odyssey
When I got back from the Windsor Ballet, I told my friends, you odyssey the
tits on that babe.

Oral
My friend Sebastian said, give me 25 cents oral blow your head off.

Oreo
I told my friend, Alonzo, if he wanted my sister, he could pay me 50 bucks
now oreo me 100 bucks on Friday.

Orgasm
I asked my cousin Dexter about the death penalty in his state. I asked if
they electrocute em, hand, orgasm.

Penis
I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed me a little paper cup
and said, here penis.

Polyp
On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was involved in a
five-car polyp on I-75.

Rectum
I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfriend rectum both.

Seldom
I had two extra tickets to the basketball game the other night, so I seldom
to my friend.

Semen
I never did know who my papa was cause my mama semen left and right.

Sodomy
When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one sodomy and another
bitch on the other sodomy.

Stain
My sister and brother-in-law stopped by the other day, so I asked them, you
plannin on stain?

Undermine
Theres a fine looking bitch living in the apartment right undermine.

Urinal
After the police broke down my front door last night, they said, Darnell,
urinal lot of trouble.

Widen
When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said, widen you tell
me you didnt use no birth control?

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I cant see him now. Next!

There was once an African Chief. He was very constipated. After trying all the traditional medicines (shaman, witch doctor and what have you), he sent a runner to the nearest White man town to get him some White medicine to cure him.

The runner reached the White Mans village after a days run and knocked on the White doctors door. The door opened and the doctor asked, Yes?

Not being very fluent in English, the runner said, Big Chief – No Shit, Big Chief – No Shit.

The doctor understood the problem and gave him a couple of laxative tablets and said, Take to chief. Eat immediately. Drink water.

The runner took the tablets and delivered them to the Chief. The Chief swallowed the tablets and waited for a day. Still constipated, he sent the runner back to the White Mans village, asking for a bigger dose.

The runner reached the White doctors office, knocked on the door and said, Big Chief – No Shit, Big Chief – No Shit.

This time the White doctor, a little surprised that the laxatives had not done their job, sent back 4 tablets that were twice as effective as the first ones. He told the runner, Take to Chief. Swallow immediately. Drink lots of water. Eat bananas.

The runner delivered the tablest to the Chief, who immediately swallowed them. Still constipated, the agonized Chief sent the runner back, asking for more powerful drugs.

The runner reached the White doctors office in the middle of the night, knocked on the door and said, Big Chief – No Shit, Big Chief – No Shit.

The White doctor was annoyed. So he gave the runner 1 small powerful tablet. This laxative was meant for horses and told him Take to Chief. Swallow immediately. Drink lakes of water!

Several months went by and the White doctor never heard from the runner. He was intrigued as to what had happened.

One day on a safari, he came across the runner that had taken the tablets to the Chief. He immediately stopped his vehicle and asked the runner How is your Big Chief?

The runner hesitated for a moment, then spoke, Big Shit – No Chief, Big Shit – No Chief.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

Sure and I cant be tellin you, Father. I dont want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Tommy, Im sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda OMalley?

I cannot say.

Was it Patricia Kelly?

Ill never tell.

Was it Liz Shannon?

Im sorry, but Ill not name her.

Was it Cathy Morgan?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Fiona McDonald, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. Youre a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But youve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, Whatd you get?

Five good leads, says Tommy.

One day, a man walked into the dentists office for some dental work.

The dentist said, Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?

The man looked at the dentist and said, None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life.

The dentist said, Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller. The man looked back at the dentist and said, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare.

The dentist said, Sir, Im telling you, use a painkiller.

The man again said to the dentist, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth.

The dentist then said, Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?

The man said, Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life

The dentist then said, Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?

The man replied, When I reached the end of the chain.

There was a farmer working on his fence when a drifter stopped to chat.

The drifter told the farmer that he was awfully thirsty and asked if he could have a bucket to go get some milk from the milkweed in his field.

The farmer chuckled, and said,

Hell boy, if you think you can get milk from milkweed, Ill give you two buckets!

Shaking his head and laughing the farmer watched him walk down through the field.

He yelled for his wife to come outside. Honey, there is a dumbass out yonder thinkin hes gonna get milk from milkweed!

The farmers wife giggled,Theres nothing wrong with having an imagination.

The farmer started working on his fence again. About 30 minutes later the drifter came carrying two buckets of milk.

I sure do appreciate it, sir. Some honey sure would be good with this milk. I see that you have honeysuckle over there, said the drifter.

Puzzled, the farmer said, Well, now I guess youre thinkin you gonna get honey out of honeysuckles.

Only with your permission, sir.

Intrigued, the farmer hesitated, then went and got the drifter two more buckets.

The drifter went off through the field.

The farmer yelled for his wife to come outside again. This milk here is a little hard to figure out, but I know good and damn well that boys not gonna get honey from honeysuckles!

Sure enough here the drifter came, with two buckets full of honey.

Well, Ill be!, squeeled the farmer.

If I could just trouble you one more time sir, then Ill be on my way… I see that you have some pussywillow over there.

Wait up boy, Im goin with you!

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his
train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the
door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him
saying,

All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get
on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the
train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to
change seats, change seats now cause the trains getting ready to
leave. Whoo whooooo.

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,

Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up,
you cant play with your train set for two hours.

So the boy took his nap and didnt even mention his train set for
two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he
could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he
understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he
went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.
The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,

Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the
train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to
get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who
are pissed cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in
the kitchen.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: What are you doing here today?

Woman: Oh, Im here to donate some blood. Theyre going to give me $5 for it.

Man: Hmm, thats interesting. Im here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

(This got passed around Microsoft a few days ago. Thought you might
appreciate it. – Ellen)

Hardware Question of the Day

A dealer calls in, having problems with the interrupt jumpers on a bus mouse
card. After I informed this person that jumper information is on page 9 of the
Mouse Users Guide, and gave the proper jumper setting, the dealer said: Can
you hold on while I give it a try?

The telephone clicked against the desk on the other end as the receiver was
set down. The following conversation ensued:

(in whispers)

Hes right. It is on page 9.

I told you to look in the book.

I know, I know. Hes still on the line. You talk to him.

I didnt call him. I didnt screw up. You talk to him.

Why dont you just hang it up. Maybe he wont notice.

Okay.

Cluck. Click. Buzz (dial tone).

-Glen