Old and New Jokes

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied, About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.

No, he said, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, she responded.

I mean, he continued, What are your relations like?

I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents.

He said, Do you have a real grudge?

No, she replied, We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.

Please, he tried again, is there any infidelity in your marriage?

Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.

Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?

Yes, she responded, about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, Lady, why do you want a divorce?

Oh, I dont want a divorce, she replied. Ive never wanted a divorce.

My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me.

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few
nut-brown ale. While theyre sitting around blankly staring at their mugs,
three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
Suddenly buzzzplooop, each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass.

The Englishman gives a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a
spoon, flicks it over his shoulder, and drains the glass.

The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff
he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp.

They both look on amazed as the Scotsman carefully grasps the fly by its wings,
gently lifts it and shakes it off. Then he says to the fly in a quiet voice,
There yare now laddie, SPIT IT OOOOT!

Ken.

What do snowmen have that snowwomen dont?

Snowballs!

Hijackers are allowed to pre-board
Mary Jo Buttafuoco walks through metal detector without her bullet setting it off
Machines sell insurance just for your time in the airport
White zone for unloading, red zone for reloading
You-know-who is there filming a Hertz commercial
As you board plane, gate attendant says You poor son-of-a-bitch
Runways have passing lanes
You have to go through a metal detector just to enter the gift shop
There are more shots being fired there than at the White House
Electronic scanning equipment made by Westinghouse

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?

A girl raised her hand and asked, To draw out all his savings?

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply cant think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Klondikes

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Un tipo entra a un sexshop buscando algo interesante. Entonces, ve algo que le llama la atención: unas gafas, pero no unas gafas ordinarias sino unas especiales que permiten ver a la gente desnuda; ¡totalmente desnuda! Así que llama al dependiente y le pregunta:

Señor, ¿estas gafas funcionan?

Claro que sí.

¿Y cuánto cuestan?

Quinientos dólares.

¡Quinientos dólares! No puede ser.

¿Quiere ver a la gente desnuda o no?

Bueno, está bien.

Cuando el hombre sale a la calle, todo el mundo está desnudo, los hombres están desnudos, ¡las mujeres están desnudas!

Al llegar a su casa, entra sin tocar y se dirige a su habitación; al entrar, ve a su mejor amigo y a su mujer desnudos en la cama. El hombre se ríe ruidosamente y luego se quita las gafas, pero su esposa y su mejor amigo siguen desnudos. Entonces exclama:

¡Malditos cerdos, quinientos dólares y ya se dañaron las gafas!

Mujeres: Por favor nunca le digan alguna de estas frases a su pareja la primera vez que lo vean desnudo. Pueden menoscabar su autoestima y afectar su ego.

¿Por qué no me abrazas simplemente y seguimos siendo amigos?

¿Sabías que ahora hacen maravillas con la cirugía?

¿Sabes que existe una torre parecida en Italia?

Parece que hoy tuviste un día muy pesado…

¡Oh, no! Me ha dado un repentino dolor de cabeza.

¿Puedo ser honesta contigo?

¡Qué bueno que tienes tantos otros talentos!

¿Tanto frío tienes?

Mejor no. No vayamos a arruinar una bonita amistad.

Quizá se vea mejor con luz natural.

Lo lamento, se me ha hecho tarde. Será mejor que me vaya.

No me río de ti, sólo que me he acordado de un chiste buenísimo que no te puedo contar.