Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
13
Oct
13
Oct
Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it cant hear you.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: Whats grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldnt fall in the hot chocolate.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You dont, you get down from a duck.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: Whats grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
Q: Whats grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbells Cream of Elephant soup.
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
13
Oct
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. Milty, shes a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.
Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Fredas Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.
All were humming, Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom.
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. My medium…Vashtri, she called. Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzels Zayde?
Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, Grampa? Zayde?
Ah, Milteleh? a thin voice quavered.
Yes! Yes! cried Milty. This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?
Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord! A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask.
Zayde, sighed Milty, when did you learn to speak English?
13
Oct
O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said werent in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didnt want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me theres a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didnt get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didnt cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , would you prefer me on my back or kneeling? The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
12
Oct
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string and it never tells the same story twice!
12
Oct
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, Why, Irish Mike, this wouldnt be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?
That it is, Irish Mike replied grimly, ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.
You mean you pinched his honor? asked Pat.
How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? demanded Mike.
Well, mused Pat, theres a lesson in this somewhere.
That there is, replied Irish Mike…. Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.
12
Oct
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks werent too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wifes bedroom door.
KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!
Husband: Guess who?
Wife: I know who it is!
Husband: Guess what I want?
Wife: I know what you want!
Husband: Guess what Im knockin with?
12
Oct
El juez se dirige al acusado:
A ver, cuénteme su versión de los hechos.
Verá, estaba yo en la cocina con el cuchillo de cortar jamón. En eso que entra mi mujer, tropieza, cae sobre el cuchillo y se lo clava en el pecho.
Ya, siga.
Pues asÃ, siete veces.
12
Oct
Va una viejita en un automóvil a exceso de velocidad, un policÃa que la ve pasar la sigue hasta detenerla…
El policia le dice: Señora, ¿me permite sus documentos por favor?
La señora le responde: Mira, hijo, salà de emergencia y se me quedaron los documentos.
Señora, ¿pero no tiene ningún documento…?
Hijito, te digo que se me quedó todo en casa porque salà rápido.
Lo siento, señora, me va a tener que dar una mordida…
Mira, hijito, con mucho gusto lo harÃa, pero te digo que dejé todo, hasta la chapa se me quedó…
12
Oct
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history. Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. Patrick Henry, 1775, he said.
Very good! Who said Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth? Again, no response except from Suzuki. Abraham Lincoln, 1863., said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do. he heard a loud whisper: Fuck the Japs.
Who said that? she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. Lee Iacocca, 1982. At that point, a student in the back said, Im gonna puke.
The teacher glares and asks All right! Now, who said that? Again, Suzuki says, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.
Now furious, another student yells, Oh yeah? Suck this! Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, You little shit. If you say anything else, Ill kill you. Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, Oh shit, were fucked.
Suzuki said, The Taliban! 2001