Old and New Jokes

Youve all heard that behind every great man is a woman, but you may not have heard that behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass.

Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship

First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

Gives new meaning to MTV slogan Rock the Vote

Observe the Presidents commitment to young people
first hand

Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

Have President chase around desk brandishing his
subpoena

President tells you he really wants you on his staff

Try out JFKs legendary rocking chair

Have President introduce you to his special
investigator

Find out what a politician means when he says hes
been polling his constituents

Q: Whats the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?

A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?

A: The President after Bush.

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?

A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?

A: Dont hit your head on the desk.

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on Presidents day?

A: All pants half off.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?

A: They both blew the big one several times.

Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?

A: The Executive Branch.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?

A: They both have slots which say Insert Bill here.

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. Its the minister, Mommy, the child said to her mother. She added to the priest, Mommy cant come to the phone right now. Shes hitting the bottle.

Yo mamas like…

– Yo mamas like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on. – Yo mamas like a bowling ball. Shes picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more. – Yo mamas like a rifle…four cocks and shes loaded. – Yo mamas like a bubble gum machine…five cents a blow. – Yo mamas like Chinese food…sweet, sour, and cheap. – Yo mamas like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. – Yo mamas like Burger King… Your way, right away. – Yo mamas like a squirrel, shes always got some nuts in her mouth. – Yo mamas like 7-Eleven… open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy. – Yo mamas like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit. – Yo mamas like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. – Yo mamas like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner. – Yo mamas like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day. – Yo mamas like a 747, she has a very large cockpit. – Yo mamas like a microwave, one button and shes hot. – Yo mamas like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off. – Yo mamas like a mail box, open day and night. – Yo mamas like a bag of potato chips, Free-To-Lay. – Yo mamas like a turtle, once shes on her back shes fucked. – Yo mamas like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff. – Yo mamas like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in. – Yo mamas like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter. – Yo mamas like cheap liquor, tastes like shit. – Yo mamas like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port. – Yo mamas like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. – Yo mamas like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. – Yo mamas like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. – Yo mamas like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing. – Yo mamas like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all. – Yo mamas like Pizza Hut, if she isnt there in 30 minutes… its free. – Yo mamas like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. – Yo mamas like a carpenters dream, flat as a board and easy to nail. – Yo mamas like a gas station… you gotta pay before you pump. – Yo mamas like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. – Yo mamas like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on. – Yo mamas like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. – Yo mamas like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away. – Yo mamas like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. – Yo mamas like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans. – Yo mamas like a race car driver… she burns a lot of rubbers. – Yo mamas like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country. – Yo mamas like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. – Yo mamas like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. – Yo mamas like a Toyota, OOooh what a feeling! – Yo mamas like a vacuum cleaner… a real good suck. – Yo mamas like a vacuum cleaner… she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet. – Yo mamas like an ice cream cone… everyone gets a lick. – Yo mamas like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday. – Yo mamas like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her. – Yo mamas like cake mix, 15 servings per package! – Yo mamas like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day. – Yo mamas like Dennys… open 24 hours. – Yo mamas like McDonalds… Billions and Billions served. – Yo mamas like McDonalds… What you want is what you get. – Yo mamas like mustard, she spreads easy. – Yo mamas like the Pillsbury dough boy… everybody pokes her. – Yo mamas like lettuce, $1 a head. – Yo mamas like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw. Your momma is so fat… the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs! – Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said Sorry…No proffessionals allowed!!! -Yo mommas so fat, when the lord said – Let There Be Light, he had to ask her to move over! -Yo mamas teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN! -Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said,yes please! -Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale! -Yo mommas so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World! -Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift! -Yo mommas so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lords Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: Lead us not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.

And one particular four-year old prayed, And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.

A little boy was overheard praying: Lord, if you cant make me a better boy, dont worry about it. Im having a real good time like I am.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church. Why? Whos going to stop me? Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait. Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, Ryan, you be Jesus!

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. Daddy, what happened to him? the son asked. He died & went to Heaven, the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, Did God throw him back down?

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbors wife.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think Im going to have a wife!

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name….

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey!

BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18.

How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, thats too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: Whats the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isnt any difference; its all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, Id like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: Youve got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we dont kid around here. Of course, Ill have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesnt mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you havent actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I dont know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you cant do that. If you buy the paint and then dont use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: Thats right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, theres no point in getting upset; thats just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you dont, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I dont keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! Im going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That wont do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls
a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer
doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The
vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down
and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he
loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them
all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still
standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in
the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice
for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more
try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the
woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly
into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of thems honking the horn.

No hay placer más singular

que el de después de cagar:

con un cigarrillo encendido

el culo queda agradecido

y la mierda en su lugar.

En este mundo matraca

caga el rey, caga el Papa;

y de cagar nadie se escapa

pues hasta la mujer más guapa

tira bolas de caca.