Old and New Jokes

En un jardín de niños el tema era ¿en qué trabajan sus papás?

Y la maestra le pregunta a juanito:

Juanito, ¿en qué trabaja tu papá?

Mi papá es un gran piloto.

La maestra le aplaude y le pregunta a Rosa:

Rosita ¿en qué trabaja tu papá?

Mi papá es un gran doctor.

Finalmente le pregunta al ultimo niño:

Miguelito ¿en qué trabaja tu papá?

Bueno, maestra, mi papá es… es… está bien, mi papá es desnudista en un bar gay.

La maestra sorprendida le dice a los niños:

¡Al recreo!

Y se quedan Miguelito y Rosita solos en el salón, y Rosita le pregunta a Miguelito:

Miguelito, en serio tu papá es desnudista en un bar gay?

No.

¿Entonces por qué dijiste eso?

Y miguelito le contesta:

Es que me dio vergüenza decir que es político.

Estaba una señora preguntándole a sus tres hijas como tenían el miebro sus maridos y la primera contesta:

Mi marido lo tiene delgado y largo.

Contesta la madre:

Eso hija, eso es elegancia.

La segunda le dice:

Mi marido lo tiene corto y grueso.

Contesta la madre:

Eso hija, eso es potencia.

Comenta la tercera:

El mio lo tiene largo y grueso.

Y contesta la madre:

¡Eso hija, eso es verga!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marian!
Marian who?
Marian money!

How did Japan start a war against African-Americans?

They bombed Pearl Baily.

Modesty is one of my more outstanding qualities.

Yo mama so ugly she went to a haunted house and they offered her a job.

Q: What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive?

A: Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a males reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs.

If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.

Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty not only the size of the male and female brains differ but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.

Such men are known in medical terms as Republicans.

Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as Democrats.

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as … Mr. President.

This guy goes into a barber shop, and says, I want my hair cut, so that its long here, here, here, and here…, sort of wavy in this section but straight just below, sort of spiked on this diagonal with a slanted taper, and bald patches here, here, here, and here. The barber looked at him and said, I dont think I can do that! Why not? said the guy. You did the last time I was here!

Last week, a young middle-class woman consulted me. She was not unattractive, but her expression was one of frivolous earnestness, that is to say, intense self-absorption.

She approached the consultation like the oysters in The Walrus and The Carpenter, all eager for the treat. Here at last was an opportunity to talk about herself uninterruptedly and unconstrained by all those boring social conventions.

Whats your problem? I asked.

I hate myself.

And youve come for a second opinion?

Theodore Dalrymples medical column in the British publication The Spectator, 17 May 1997